It seems that the longer I go down this journey of uncovering, discovering (and hopefully discarding and/or applying), the less I seem to know. The more I understand, the less I truly understand. The more questions I seem to answer only creates even more questions, like bunny rabbits left unchecked with Barry White music left on in the background. Hubba hubba.
When I first got sober, I had a lot of answers. I plowed through books on spirituality and recovery like one would make their way through a popcorn and Twizzler combo at the movie theater. I absorbed everything I could in my still toxin-releasing pores. I listened to countless speakers discuss sobriety, self-awareness and even, gulp, feelings. I was a walking know-it-all who knew nothing. Sure I had some cool pat answers I cribbed from others, but many times it was all an intellectual exercise. I was memorizing for a test that was never going to be administered.
Now, I say this with tongue partially planted in cheek. I am grateful to learn from others, and I still do today. I sit at the feet of fellow travelers and spiritual gurus (for lack of a better word) and see what I can gleam from their wisdom and experience. Whether it’s someone who has 30 days sobriety living on the street or someone with 30 years sitting on a mountain top in Tibet, I will always get something from others. It’s all about the human condition. External circumstances are window dressing to the soul. We all carry water from the well, but in different pails.
I mention all this because it seems that in this whack-a-mole thing of self-awareness and picking at the lint of my soul, something else seems to crop up just when I think I have the table set just right–salad fork on the left, steak knife on the right, and oops, now the cat’s thrown up on the centrepiece. And for me these days, it’s something that has been simmering for some time, but now is staring me right in the face, ready for a mano a mano battle royale.
It’s shame.
Someone mentioned shame to me a few years ago when I was discussing some issues I was having at the time. I dismissed shame being the culprit. My immediate (and defensive) reaction to that person was “Hey! I am not ashamed of myself! I have done a lot of work on myself and I am honest and open and don’t feel at all bad about anything in my past!” I was almost insulted by the idea that I was seeping with shame. But since that conversation, it’s been something that has tugged at me at the back of my mind. It has stuck with me, and I could never understand why. And what I know from experience is that when something hangs on to you like a burr, there is usually something it wants to reveal.
I need to claim that in no way am I ashamed in being an alcoholic in recovery. Not at all. I am clear on that. It is something that I am blessed to be where I am. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my sobriety. But what I carry is deeper than a sense of being ashamed of something. Being ashamed or feeling guilt and shame are different beasts. Brene Brown, who has a few wonderful TED talks (and books) about shame and vulnerability, describes guilt as “I did something bad”, where shame is “I am bad.” And that is where so many of us are stuck. I know I am.
My shame manifests itself in feelings of low self-worth and in comparing myself to others. I am grateful to have what I have, but sometimes I feel unworthy in having it. I sometimes feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to fall. I wonder when Ashton Kusher is going to leap out of the bushes and tell me that I’ve been Punk’d. That feeling comes and goes. It’s not daily. But it does crop up.
Low self-worth also comes up in many ways—playing small, perfectionism, seeking validation from the external and being very hard on myself. I know this because I get many people tell me to put the whip down. Even last week I had someone direct me to speak kinder to myself. My wife tells me this regularly. I would never talk to someone else the way I flog myself. It would be inhumane, and yet I do it daily.
Comparing myself to others has been my go-to cat-o-nine-tails in terms of giving myself a beat down. Yes, I know comparison is the thief of joy. I know all the inspirational quotes and plaques on this, but often the longest journey is from the head to the heart, and that is where I need to inject that like an old school adrenaline needle to the chest. And this is where it’s savagery to the self—comparing who I am to someone else in a way which cuts myself off at the knees. And this feeds into the shame which tells me “See? You don’t have value.” The interesting thing is that I only compare myself in some areas of my life, not all. So it’s not a day-long Marquis de Sade festival. But it’s still a good lashing.
I’ve been reading Melody Beattie’s “Codependent No More” and it is showing itself to be very helpful. It’s a challenge to counteract every negative thought with a second, more compassionate one (Jim at Fit Recovery talks about second thoughts on his great post here). It’s a challenge to try and convince myself that I am worthy of the abundance out there. It’s a challenge to feel “appropriate” for this life, a term which she uses and I love. But it’s a practice that I will have to tackle if I want to turn the corner on this.
My alcoholism has nothing to do with my shame, but certainly my shame has a lot to do with my alcoholism. The two are meant to be, and Brene Brown’s studies have linked shame to addiction and other self-destructive behaviours. It’s an easy correlation to make, I believe, especially if you have gone down the dark path of addiction.
This is what my first sponsor would say is a “core issue”. This is something beyond 12 steps and sobriety. This is about rooting out some deep underlying causes and conditions. It’s old thinking and habits buried deep. This is foundation material, and that is why I choose to take this path of wellness and recovery. It’s not about booze, but about living a life meant to be. It’s about being happy. It’s about being authentic. It’s about not wasting time in dancing with the things which want to bring us down and keep us covered in dirt. We are meant to flourish, not flounder.
I am learning to accept that where I am is where I am meant to be at. This is no different. I am being tossed this hot tamale for a reason. I know in my heart that when I start to make movement on this, things will shift. I just know it. How things will shift, I have no clue, but things will move. The universe will conspire to do so. I have experienced large changes occur and watched in amazement as things have come into flow, in line with a greater purpose in good.
There is no shame in dealing with shame.
Absolutely ! I agree with it all lol . I was so scared to get sober because the first thought that comes to my mind is “ummmm live sober and face reality and MYSELf, absolutely not” . It’s a process in the beginning and it hurts like hell but we do recover. I’m no longer ashamed because I don’t live there any more . So grateful for another chance 🙌😎
We are born broken and we will die broken. One thing for certain is that booze will not fix us. Drinking booze is like smashing your head with a hammer the way Shemp used to do it in the Three Stooges films, and hoping the pain will go away. Guilt and shame follow us throughout life like a shadow. Meditating every day is a good way to get away from it, at least for a while.
Great post! My counselor said that quilt is normal but shame is the most useless feeling of all. It is so tricky, isn’t it?
I do have more and more questions as well. I did not expect that in the beginning. I jumped into the process of finding answers and it backfired haha.
You’ve got me laughing and thinking as always brother man.
I particularly relate to how you knew everything at the beginning of your sobriety, and know you are knowing less and less.
The shame part though, I’m working on. I’m working on recognition. I have a funny relationship with it. I’ve been told to never concern myself with it. I was writing for the (ahem) recently and the character’s tragic flaw is a lack of shame. He cannot admit that what he is doing is wrong. I relate a lot to that.
Thank you for the Ted Talks. I listened to snippets of each. Very enlightening. Something about those talks just make for automatic learning breakthroughs. Don’t know what it is.
Thank you for the message. In a bottle. Uncorked. And aired. For the world.
Great post, Paul. And thank you for the kind words.
“My alcoholism has nothing to do with my shame, but certainly my shame has a lot to do with my alcoholism.” wow. So absolutely true. I think shame begins very early in life for most of us. It did for me. Excellent post Paul, thank you.
My sobriety is solo fly based on yoga philosophy and unconditional self acceptance.
I believe we are all perfect, whole and divine.
And we all need more love and kindness, especially from ourselves.
I stopped thinking of my internal voice as a bad thing, and embraced it as my inner child trying to get attention in any way possible. Sometimes that means being mean.
I have a picture of myself at about 5 that I use. And I treat this little me gently. This was an exercise I did during the Brene brown oprah course on the gifts of imperfection. That is my favourite Brene Brown book.
It’s changed everything. Unconditional self acceptance sheds light on shame. I know I am ok.
Keep telling yourself you are worthy. Eventually it sinks in.
Anne
Such a great reply, I am going to try that.
This is so weird, I’ve been listening to Brene’s book “I thought it was just me” this week.
Honestly before I started listening to the audiobook I thought I had dealt with my shame. Towards the end of the week I was just flabbergasted to notice how all-pervasive shame is in my life. It’s just everywhere. It’s is the smallest things and how I constantly compare myself and feel that I don’t measure up. All of this bubbles over from the core belief that I am not good enough and that there is something intrinsically wrong or defective in me.
I love Anne’s comment about the philosophy of yoga, we are all divine and perfect beings. Maybe if we treat this like a mantra the inner critic voice will become fade a bit…
Wonderful reflections, thank you. This really struck a chord. I am working on this as a co dependent in therapy. I am working on recognizing the internal factors and external factors that contribute to this shame. When I started my blog my husband was actively using and my self esteem, confidence, and worth was zero. I was ashamed of everything. I know that breaking from stigma and silence, and expression through writing, connecting with others, has really helped me. Also recognizing the “propaganda” of mass and mainstream media that often tells us what we don’t have, what we need to be fulfilled (often materialistic), what to equate with happiness. Breaking from this media has been integral. Most importantly looking in and finding my authentic self, living it, accepting my life and at the same time being less self involved and thinking of others and service has reduced shame and feelings of worthlessness. Don’t get me wrong I struggle with this often, especially the comparisons, I so do that!! But it’s getting better. Thank you again for a wonderful post.
Best from south of the border!
Marahu ❤
Paul,
The last two paragraphs which sum up the wholeness of what you wrote and thought are your truth. Shame is just another road either from the past or a core issue. I use to say, ” I have nothing to be ashamed of I was drunk” yet that was just ego making excuses.
My “shame” if you wish to call it that comes out as “your not good enough” or “you didn’t try hard enough”, ouch! That gremlin still rears it’s head when I am trying to accomplish something, move in a new direction or any direction at all.
What comes to mind is the Marianne Williamson quote: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.”
Shame is another form for our addiction trying to talk to us, to get under our skin, to say nasty things in our heads. Our ego saying, “you can go there, where will i be if you do?”
As the saying goes and you are already aware of this, “you are right where you are suppose to be.”
A question popped in my mind while reading those last paragraphs of yours, “what shift have you already experienced by giving this thing a name, by exposing it to the light? By sharing your words and thoughts here?
Big Hugs
Jeff
Great post, Paul. I am a Brene fan as well and her talk was pivotal in my coming to quit drinking as well. Of course, it took me four years to really get to it, but the SHAME GAME is a losing one, for sure. I think I am going to limit my social media more so that I have less cause to play it and see if that lightens the load a bit.
I have heard a lot of people mention Brene but haven’t read any of her books myself. Perhaps I should. Like you, in the early stage of recovery, I am trying to soak up everyone’s advise and am reading books like a woman possessed. Some days I think all this reading is helping me and others it is just damn right confusing. Maybe sticking to one topic at a time would help. On another note, that shame scene from Game of Thrones was pure gold.
Her book The Gifts of Imperfection is really good!!
xo
Thank you. I will look for it on audible 😘
Dwelling on shame is quite self destructive for me and its something im working on….Now that I don’t drink it can send me into a head-tripping, overeating frenzy…. I tend to compare myself and my life to a set of standards that are sometimes arbitrary and not always appropriate…for me it comes from a deep desire to feel like I belong and to feel normal…those desires have been there ever since I can remember when I was a kid…the irony is that shame actually separates us from others and makes us feel alone….the opposite of belonging.
once again you got me laughing and thinking! In the words of my wonderful mother, ‘No one can make you feel guility’…ughhh she was so right. I too, experience feelings of guilt and shame because I dont “think” I am worthy enough of the blessings and the promises of the program that have been bestowed upon me. But gosh darn it, I deserve it, and so do you Paul, and every other sober individual who brought themselves out of the deep dark hell of addiction. But that nagging self worth….not being good enough still gets us….no matter how hard we work at it! But look at us, we loved our selves enough to get healthy….to get sober, and we “battle” our addictions every day….I think that is some pretty swell self love and respect!
Katie
Hi Paul!
I compare myself to others too.
Which of course does nothing to help me grow.
My insecurities combined with FOMO make me act in less than desirable ways, which leads me to shame.
I am working on though!!
xo
Wendy
Sometimes I think we must be kindred spirits – and I felt no different in reading about your learning and searching in the shame space.
I am on my second round of Co-Dependent No More – amazing, life-changing book. Brene? Yup – I’d have her on speed dial if I could. Your writing is so insightful and clever all at once. Thank you for such an important message on a Monday morning, Paul.
Yeah. You gotta put that cat-o-nine away. We think you’re amazing. Really!!
Also…
“I was a walking know-it-all who knew nothing….”
That’s STILL me. That I recognize it is good, but I gotta make the change (transformation?) and develop a better modus op.
Love your writing, as always, Paul.
PEACE!
– Danno
This is a such a great post, Paul. “I would never talk to someone else the way I flog myself. It would be inhumane, and yet I do it daily.” And I witness you doing this daily. You are so generous with your words to others…and so terribly (and unjustly to an outsider) to yourself. You seem to be on a path to trying to understand and correct this so I will only say that you are one cool dude and you should flaunt it!! 🙂
Paul, you are so good. I finally checked my email and found out that you’re back (here). I can’t wait to catch up with your other posts. You always touch on something that I need to hear. ❤
This was such a great read. I relate to so much of what you said – ” I was a walking know-it-all who knew nothing” rings so true for me. I also can’t help but feel, often, that I am waiting for the other shoe to drop – that somehow I don’t deserve the peace and serenity I’ve gotten in sobriety. I keep waiting for the drama to unfold, the shit to hit the fan, the bottom to fall out.. the way it always has. But my life is different now, and that is truly difficult to accept every day. I am grateful, don’t get me wrong, but I have clocked many more hours of drinking time than I have of sober time, so I think it makes sense that my alcoholic mind tends to go back to that place. I think as long as I focus on each day as it comes, and commit to working hard on my life, it seems manageable. It seems possible. And it seems like, in the bright light of a particularly beautiful morning, I might just deserve all this happiness.
And you do, too.
Thanks so much for sharing your hope and strength – I know it’s not easy but what a relief that we’re not alone in all these difficult moments and feelings.
Wishing you all the best,
V
Just read this post again, it’s. SO relevant to where I’m at. The post and the comments are all so helpful.Yeah big fan of Brene and Kristen Neff is great on self compassion. Thanks again for the post 😊
Hello Paul – well hey you still sound a little like Yoda 🙂 I’m back on to Day 1 again and I need to nail it this time, I’ve spent a year in and out of meetings, collecting all of the information and reading shed loads. I recommend “The Addicted Brain” and “Chasing The Scream”. Today I signed up with Soberistas today which is where I found your blog – thank you. I did enjoy AA at the beginning but I didn’t take it seriously. One lady said to me “you’re so cute when you stand up and say you’re on day 5 again”, ha, ha but I kept going back. The shame thing, hmm, this article resonated with me about things that stay with you like the shame comment did for you. A couple of things that stayed with me from meetings were “you better be yourself, coz everyone else is taken” – “one drink, it’s kind of like just one big haemorrhoid”. I would find that pretty shameful actually! Lol The one thing that bugged me also in those meetings was how often those in their long term recovery (5 years plus) would point out to newcomers that they really would not be aware of their insanity in early recovery – that used to be annoy me tremendously and stayed with me as the shame thing did with you. A year of Thiamine Vit B1, some reasonable sober stints and excellent nutrition have shown me how, to my shame and indignation, right they were! The first three months I was staggered at my vocabulary’s recovery more then anything else. Thankfully that’s lasted. Anyway, as you can see, I was oft asked at meetings to stay on topic. So thank you for your article on shame. I’m still learning to deal with that and it will take an age. But this is the last time I’m putting myself through this withdrawal thing, absolutely! Insanity blah di blah Anne Marie
Heyyyyy Paul, I don’t know what happened to my comment here. I had posted a comment on this post some time back. I guess you didn’t get it eh. Hmmmm…
The only thing I know, is that I don’t know. That has been the biggest lesson for me in my sobriety. Loved your post.