
I don’t know if I’m qualified to write this, but I’m going to do it anyways.
I am not a stay at home mother. I am not even female. I don’t viscerally and emotionally know what it’s like to be a woman in a patriarchal society. I don’t know, firsthand, the pressures involved in living up to what society thinks a powerful woman looks like, or just being a woman, period. So it may seem presumptuous to forge ahead, but I think there is a greater energy at work and exploring to do.
I need to start off and say that I am not anti-alcohol. I don’t get upset at targeted ads in my social media time lines. I don’t get set off by seeing page after page of booze ads in magazines. I don’t freak out when I watch funny or silly TV commercials which romanticize or minimize the affects of alcohol use. I just don’t. Just because I got sober, it doesn’t mean others can’t drink. Having said that, I did go through a short phase in my very early recovery where I felt indignant towards the alcohol industry, where I did raise a shaking fist against the “irresponsible” booze giants and their “propaganda”. It was my own anger in not getting what I wanted (lots of adult beverages), and I soon stopped raging against the machine and focused on my own healing.
But there is something about the culture of “wine o’clock” which does set off flags for me, the mental equivalent of a dog raising its ears to an unknown and strange sound in the near distance. For those who aren’t familiar with this call-to-arms-and-elbows-bending, “wine o’clock” is the phrase which heralds the unscrewing of a cap or popping of a cork to let our collective hair down and finally relax goddammit and wash away the sins of the world by swirling an ice cold Chard or deep, brooding Amarone. It’s a cutesy term for “the bar is now open.” It’s the in-joke for stressed out mothers and caregivers, for six-figure power women, for those who need a break from the world. It’s the equivalent of “it’s 5 o’clock somewhere in the world!” Get the corkscrew and let’s chug from expensive bottles, shall we?

Dads and men in general don’t get into the “wine o’clock” culture. Sure we have “boys night out”, but it’s not the same. We don’t have that perky, light-hearted mantra to usher in glassfuls of gleeful cheer. “Wine o’clock” generally pervades middle class and upper-middle class homes. It tells us that mom is now off the clock and taking care of herself. She is unwinding. She is slipping off the skin of her day and indulging. Hell, there is even a wine called “Mommy’s Time Out.”
If you read up on this topic, you will find a dark underbelly – women who start to succumb to alcohol abuse, women who feel the need to fill the void with wine, women who rationalize their increased drinking by latching onto the idea that all women “deserve a break.” Many female alcoholics I know started out with the “wine o’clock” tipple and started down the dark path of alcoholism. There are many ways to go down that spiraling path, but there is something insulating about being part of a culture where stress and even binge drinking is painted over in glittery euphemisms. And this is the danger.

The days of men outdrinking women are becoming extinct, although women (generally) still get drunk quicker than men. Studies show that women are drinking a whole hell of a lot more than they traditionally did in the past (thirty-four percent of British women are classed as high risk drinkers, with a one in six chance of having health problems due to drinking too much, according to the Daily Mail) and that has a lot to do with alcohol companies targeting women with all sorts of cute wine names and with the normalizing of getting sloshed on Sauvignon Blanc while taking a bath or binge watching Netflix. And I don’t blame the booze pushers per se, although they capitalize on it. This culture was there before the marketing agents got their talons in it. It’s the culture which is the danger, not the wineries, even though they are certainly enjoying the spoils of “wine o’clock”.
There is nothing wrong with unwinding at the end of a day. There is nothing wrong with having a glass or two of wine. There is nothing wrong with having a laugh with friends while sharing drinks. I am certainly not asserting these things be abolished. Most people can manage this. Most people don’t have to have wine or a stiff drink every day. Many people will also go to the gym, call a friend, do yoga, take a nap, watch TV, play games with their kids, or upload cute puppy videos on Facebook. In other words, there are many ways to wash away the dirt of the day. Wine can be one of those things (to a non-alcoholic, of course), but when the culture gets pushed and creating a sense that every other mother out there is popping corks with the same frequency they change diapers, that is the slippery slope.

This romanticism of a gay ol’ time with our friend Ms. Merlot creates a sense that without alcohol, we are a ball of anxiety and will never full relax. It also gives the false sense that just because one drinks pricey wine in an even pricier wine glass, that they will never be that wino in the park drinking from a paper bag-covered bottle underneath a bridge image of what a “real” alcoholic looks like. It’s as if the alcohol from a 1971 Chateau Margaux is different than that from a 1.5 liter bottle of sweet sherry. It’s that arrogance and ignorance (tied into pride) which is the shackle that binds so many people to potential alcohol abuse.

Regardless of the vehicle and ritual which brought us to the drink, I feel that underneath any (or lack thereof) pomp and circumstance, the same causes and conditions apply. I have sat with many men and women who, on the surface, were light years away in their circumstances, but were united in how they felt before, during and after drinking. I have met older women, dressed in stunning clothes and driving expensive cars to meetings, talking about their bottoms, about how they felt utterly desperate and wanting and suicidal. I could relate to their emotional states. I could sense the same feelings of worthlessness and pain that I had when I was drinking. I could also relate to the guy who ate from dumpsters and abandoned his family, who also felt alone, desolate and angry.
From Park Avenue to park bench, it’s all the same.
In the end, it’s about living an authentic life, to the best of our ability. We all have our diversions and activities to chill out and treat ourselves. I wouldn’t think of chastising anyone (read: a social drinker) for taking a glass of Riesling to the fireplace and relaxing. That’s not the point here, but I do worry when slamming down bottles of wine is normalized underneath a circus tent full of unicorns and bunnies and given the cutesy term “wine o’clock.” Perhaps I am being judgy, and perhaps I am not explaining this well, but I do know that many women needlessly die from alcohol abuse because they don’t see the damage they are doing guised as “taking the edge off.”
I would love to see a “self-love o’clock” become a thing.
But it’s not as catchy, is it?
Great Post Paul!
Long time since my last visit! Hope all is well and blessed your way XO… Keep sharing the message of HOPE my good friend “-)
Cat
have you read the book “her best kept secret” by Gabrielle Glaser? it explores the history of women and alcohol and discusses the relationship between women and wine in the US over the past 60 years.
I agree with this 100%.
I was this woman. Big job, kids, need to look good and have it all together, struggling with anxiety and depression and relaxing with wine. Drinking at baby groups. We all did it. Weren’t we fun??!? Sophisticated?!? La la la
And then I needed more wine.
Eventually I found myself alone on the couch crying into my wine glass wondering why life had passed me by, unappreciated, hard done by.
Wine is a backstabbing bitch. And I never even saw it coming.
I find these ads insidious. Maybe they seem funny, but not when your kids are wondering why mommy is passed out on the couch.
I’ll stick with coffee and yoga. Both have treated me so much better!
Anne
Nice “mansplaining”. No seriously, though you are right. Great post.The tags to the pictures cracked me up, you must be reading my Facebook. 🙂 it’s scary out there. The last few years of my drinking I would never put anything on social media that might elude to the fact that there was alcohol involved in my posts or pictures and thinking back now it’s probably because I was having “wine o’clock” quite frequently and I didn’t want anyone keeping track. I used to have a few guy friends who would tell me to drink more like a woman, discourage me from trying to keep up with the dudes. It would baffle me and kinda piss me off, what do you mean “drink like a lady?” They told me I didn’t have to match them beer for beer. I guess I got trashed a lot quicker and I was annoying them. Too bad- it’s called feminism was my reply. So dumb now.
Great post Paul! I agree with it 100% as well. I started off just relaxing with wine – 1 or 2 glasses a night after work. Then a couple of rough days with stuff going on in my personal life and slowly that crept up “holy crow I drank a whole bottle last night!” a couple of times a week. Then it got to a bottle a night… and worse and worse until I was hiding the extent of it, feeling completely out of control, scared and alone.
I think it’s especially difficult for women (NOT saying it isn’t for men, but I’m not a man so can’t speak to that) because we’re the ones who are supposed to be able to hold our sh*t together – we feel like we have to be strong and work, look after the house and the kids, heck we even make fun of men for their “man colds” while we power through. Half the time women can’t even get support from other women for basic parenting (ie bottle vs boob, cloth diapers vs disposable, spanking or not) so there’s NO WAY we’re reaching out and talking about being worried about having a drinking problem! We know we’d be the gossip of the workplace or moms group. “Wine o’clock” is probably the most inclusive thing that women have with each other and one of the few things that can be posted about and joked about online without getting judged or ostracized. My thoughts anyway…
Booze is self-medicating, so it goes well with a dosage time like “wine o’clock,” or even “beer o’clock” as in the film Come Hell or High Water. Then it sneaks up on you and it becomes “now o’clock”. My aunt clutched a glass of sherry under her armpit anytime after noon, and that’s why she stood around looking like a pickled Jack Benny all the time. Wine o’clock may be trendy at first, but give it time, and it will begin to smell like armpit.
Hi Paul,
I think you explained this very well!
I worry about several of my nieces, who post all of these wine-o-clock related things on FB.
I know I didn’t drink every night, but when I did, it was “I need this, I deserve this after such a hard day teaching…and the kids were nuts, and the parents were nuts…”
Then I went nuts!!
xo
Wendy
Paul, your captions are hilarious! Great post so I won’t get deep here. For the record, I don’t care about ads in me feed, either, but I love responding to them and f’ing with them a little. Immature, I know. Seriously, what actually concerns me the most about this issue you describe is that it makes the concept of ODAAT seem impossible. As you know, people struggle mightily with “NEVER again.” This culture you describe makes that much harder.
What is ODATT?
ODAAT; I may have had a typo and haven’t gone back to look at my original comment. But it stands for “one day at a time.” Don’t know if you are a 12 stepper but broadly: refers to the AA principle of literally facing life one day at a time and not concerning yourself with tomorrow.
Thank you for replying! No I’m not a 12 stepper but this phrase works pretty well for me anyway, good stuff.
Excellent post, that whole wine o clock thing always did my nut in, even when I was drinking. I, like you have no problem with others drinking, although there does come a point in the night when my bullshitometer tells me it’s time to go… I could go on a rant about how this kind of crap normalises harmful drinking but that’s just none of my damn business🙂
I read Anne’s comment and thought “well she nailed exactly what I was going to say” Truthfully I felt myself slip sliding into more and more wine/vodka and ‘wine o’clock’ became my jokey life raft, see everyone is like me, everyone is just dying to get home and have a glass.
This is a great post and so well thought out and considered.
Thank you for another great post. I started my own wine o clock routine after the birth of my youngest child. I had post natal depression and got through every day by reassuring myself that at 5 o clock I could open a bottle of wine. My psychiatrist laughed and said I was self medicating. Society seemed quite accepting of my new lifestyle. Like you pointed out, Facebook was full of funny jokes about women and wine o clock. I was normal in the light of most people.
For me getting out of the wine o clock habit was the hardest part of quitting. It took me three months of forcing myself to do other things before I finally felt free of the urge to drink at 5 o clock. Wine o clock is now an evening walk. I like it much better 😍
What a great read.
Girl’s night!
Mom’s night out!
Girl’s weekend!
Wine O’clock!
Share the Xanax!
So fun and chic and glamorous.
THE BIG LIE
I sure wish I could get those years back and be totally alive and present with my family. Thankful to be finally free.
Heyyyyyy Paul, excellent post. I know I’ve used the stressed out and feeling down excuse before for having a glass or two. Never more than that though. I can definitely see the danger in falling into a trap of justifying drinking. Especially in the sense of what you’ve touched on here.
Oh, gotta love the photos and captions Paul. You know I’m a fan of your humor.
😁😜
I have to remember that only 10% of the people who drink are alcoholics or have the potential to be alcoholics. As a marketer, I am not going to concern myself with the 10% that may be afflicted. I am after the 90% who can drink responsibly and have the money that can buy my stuff. It may appear immoral or unresponsible but it’s business.
Most people can drink with immunity, I can not. I do not expect the rest of the world to bend to my problem. I need to adapt and accept that others can drink without any problem. I cannot live in jealousy or resent that they can. I only know that alcohol is poison for me. God willing, they won’t get another dime from me.
Dude. I think you make an excellent distinction between alcohol as an objective thing–a thing that’s not harmful in and of itself–and that which promotes alcohol abuse.
I really agree with you with this. It’s the same notion of like “5 ocklock somewhere” mentality, where the only reason you work hard is so you can drink. That work-hard play-hard mentality was really detrimental to my health. Like you (haha-I was laughing at the start of your post) I am not part of the ‘wine ocklock’ club. But still, I can relate to the ways media portrayers drinking as a safe and reasonable outlet. When, for some of us, it’s not! It’s actually deadly. Anyways have a great weekend.
Mark
Great post Paul. You may be aware that I am a bit of an evangelist when it comes to these things. (Bit like a sober Billie Graham in pyjamas.)
The normalisation of using alcohol to de-stress or to deal with life’s problems is at the core issue. Alcohol is a mind altering substance no matter how ‘normal’ it may seem in our society, it’s still a drug. Anne Dowsett Johnston explores this topic in great detail in her book ‘Drink-The deadly relationship between women and alcohol’. The drinks industry realised that they weren’t tapping into half of the population and the Alco pop was born. These days there are all sorts of drinks marketed directly at women; mommy juice, skinny bitch to name but a few. The stigma of being an alcoholic is bad enough it itself, add onto that the word mother and you have a recipe for banishment to the depths of hell. Mothers are supposed be to nurturing and ‘together’ Now add on top of all of this the drinks industry that somehow aligned themselves with the feminist movement and ‘drinking like a man’ became a woman’s rights issue. The ladette culture in the UK that I was a part of is a direct result of all of this. These seemingly harmless memes on facebook (that I used to post) make me sick to my stomach. It’s a sinister normalisation of what is quickly becoming an epidemic of mothers and women in general becoming alcohol dependant and ultimately addicted.
Re: the comments about the drinks industry
It’s not so much a matter of bashing the drinks industry or even alcohol the substance itself. Alcohol is a great teacher of truth. It promises to make you drunk and it delivers on its promise every time. What I am talking about among other things is the zeitgeist we find ourselves in where people have to drug/numb themselves constantly to deal with life. Maybe the ‘normal drinkers’ numb in other ways like food sex or shopping. It’s a spiritual hole that will never be filled by anything other than a spiritual life.
Paul,
You did a great job! I believe illuminating something allows others to begin to “wake up” to see around the fun and glamor etc. It may be the liquor industry and ad men trying to reach an audience that was not really there before. Giving the ladies the heads up, and I see you may allow them to know there is someone looking out for them.
I have an issue of late of all the Casino’s opening and now you can gamble on your phone and laptop. There is Lottery/Casino ad where people are doing activities, like yoga, camping, and fishing where they are being told the could play to win, these are activities one does to get away from all of that or they use to…
I suppose it means we continue to be an example of how to be present it the world without all the distraction to relax and let go!
My sister- in-law and I used to share all those “cute” FB posts about wine- I’m not at all comfortable doing that anymore and I’m not sure if they are getting worse or if I’m just more sensitized to the whole thing. What used to be funny to me is now kind of -“Whoa, really?” How many women (yes, women are the target these days) see this and see it as “permission”. Not so funny to me anymore. This is serious business- at least for me. Sometimes I feel like a stick in the mud but I know that is the “other” side talking. Thanks for a great post Paul.
Officially in the UK the last AA census (2015) put membership at 60% male 40% female. In my local area in the last 13 years I’d say it has moved from say 75% / 25% to nearer 50/50 and in some meetings the ladies dominate now. And most women do seem to get that they have an issue about 10 years before men – again in my limited experience but most female newcomers I’d put in the range 35-45 .. men 40 – 55.
I had a similar drink pattern myself – early evening the period from work to home the transition from work persona to home persona. Just the admission that I had to drink to change who I was just shows how I abused alcohol – it was the substitute me (plural actually). Now being just me in any situation is so totally liberating.
Fabulous post! I was also a wine/ champagne girl maybe 5 years ago… (i am only 25 now) I used to work in the city centre and every night after work me and my girlfriends would go out for drinks and dancing … even my family worried about my drinking and I did not notice. I am now not a drinker and the thought does not turn me on. However exciting i used to find the feeling of having a drink or two… two can easily turn to ten. Thank you for posting ❤
Hi Paul! Just happened across your blog again and laughed aloud at this one. I quit one year before I retired. I was terrified of how early in the day my 5 o’clock would begin once I stopped working!! Seriously! Love you Paul.
Trish
So incredibly spot on as usual! And thanks for the lolz you gave me with your captions. 🙂 This also makes me nuts. Self-love o clock is a fab idea! 😘
It’s a catch-22, substance abuse is either normalized or stigmatized, neither one helps to bring awareness to the issues we face. Excellent post. All the best!
-M
I completely agree and I am woman, mother, stay at home mom. I feel like there’s some exclusive club for stay at home moms I’m not invited to, because I don’t drink. It bothers me when blogs or women talk about how we should just slurp down the day with a glass of wine. Or a shot for the weekend. It’s irritating, I don’t enjoy drinking and frankly I can think of more productive ways to wind down my day.
Interesting post, thanks for giving me lots to think about!