One of the greatest struggles I have had in my recovery so far is the question of who am I? Or namely, who am I meant to be? And that is really what it comes down to. Who am I meant to be, rather than who do I think I should be? I lived a life thinking I was something that I wasn’t. I lived a life acting as if I were someone else. I staged myself like a house on the market – to look good for others, when in the end, the only buyer was me. No takers. And why would someone else want to take it?
My alcoholic life started out as window dressing. When I started to feel uncomfortable, a nice coat of paint (or a bottle of wine) would dress things up nicely. A dab of Pinot could easily spot weld all the little leaks in the house. A dram of whisky would board up the unsightly fractures in the walls. A mickey of vodka could effortlessly shore up any foundation cracks. The place was falling apart, and yet I still wanted you to stop by for warm chocolate chip cookies and a friendly chat to keep up appearances. But in the end, it was a façade. As fragile as wet tissue paper and as fraudulent as a three-dollar bill. I was a slum lord and the tenant as well.
As practising alcoholics, we were masters of concealing. We concealed the amounts we drank, we concealed the aftermath, we concealed our feelings, we concealed the shame and guilt, we concealed our fears and pain. We concealed the truth. We concealed our Authentic Self. We concealed the very thing that would have brought us closer to the Creator.
I have wrestled with this whole Authentic Self my whole life. It would seem that whenever I felt the yearnings of me to be me, I would self-medicate. Push that bastard down (because he was a bastard. How did I know? I just thought that he was – that’s the power of the mind). Get into a new mindset. Be witty, colourful, happy, joyous, sexy, taller. The real me couldn’t be any of that, so let’s get the Synthetica Replicant to take its place. Whenever a whisper of the real deal would try and bubble up, whenever my conscious would tickle at me, whenever that true sense of self would dare to rise up, I would drown it in self-loathing and copious amount of booze. Take that, shithead.
There is something pristine and hopeful about the idea that within us all is our Authentic Self itching to come out. That its intention is to emerge and burst forth through the cling film wrap that we apply to ourselves to ensure that we don’t shine as much as we should. There is a sense that this Authentic Self has always held sway at a low level even throughout our alcoholic careers. That friction, that dissonance that I felt while I was drinking and being my False Self was really my Authentic Self rubbing up against the fractured me.
Guilt, shame and remorse not only emerged from the cesspool of my manner of living, but knowing that deep down I wasn’t living up to who I was really meant to be. And I hated it, and yet I craved it. I felt that my disingenuous alcoholic me was a slap in the face to who I was really meant to be. A carnival act trying to distract from the fact that I was burning my life down to ground once again, fuelled by booze, selfishness and the manipulation of others. A nefarious triple threat.
So what does this all have to do with anything? What does this say about alcoholism or the recovered life? What does this pseudo-spiritual claptrap have to do with me today? What does it have to do with the fact that perhaps someone out there is dying to have a drink. Anything. Beer, rum, mouthwash, hand sanitizer?
Not sure. Hope, perhaps? The knowledge or inner tingling in understanding that there is something within us all that is hoping to live. To be worn like a loose garment. To be held up to the light of truth and have it shine. To have our real and true selves out for all to see. Without shame or judgement. Without suffocating it in the name of progress, pride or fear. Without self-sabotaging or retribution. Just the real deal. You. Me. Us.
This very thing is discussed in 12-step literature. They talk about removing all the things that block us from the sunlight of the spirit – our self-seeking ways, dishonesty, ego, pride, fears, etc. and then our immediate concern being – what’s left of me? I’d be the hole in the doughnut, they proclaim. What now? Oh what will come out on the other side of all this?
And that’s very much what we pass through as we get closer to our Authentic Self. It’s just self-centered fear. Because the reality is quite clear – nature abhors a vacuum. So in place of these things that clog us up is something new – the hope that things will turn out better. New ways of dealing with life. A shimmering light of life that allows us to heal, to be with others, to be with ourselves. We get closer to who we were created to be. And that can be frightening. It can look like darkness, in fact. But with dark comes light. And light fills that void where destructive thinking used to be. We start to become a little bit more whole.
Day by day.
For this cat, I don’t necessarily struggle with the capital gains of this process, nor with the investment, but of the time of maturation. My impatience and my fears grip me. I start to wonder if there truly is a pay off. I start to wander and wonder where else I can invest my time and energy. Is it to the popular crowd so that I can feel approval of some kind? Is it to something easy and shiny so that I can get the buzz of instant gratification? Is it towards the ease and comfort of putting myself down yet again so that I get an ego boost of self-pity? Is it about playing small so that I don’t have to face that darkness? Guilty on all counts.
So what’s the deal then?
I know that real happiness and contentment comes from staying true to myself, and that my serenity soars when I don’t seek approval from the external. And yet, I will sabotage myself. Over and over again. It’s like I don’t trust myself, or trust giving it up. Of letting go. Insanity, isn’t it? But that is my path right here, right now. It’s something that I revelled in as an active alcoholic. I sought validation from all points. Because inner validation seemed impossible. There was no self-love, so how could I find what was obfuscated by my alcoholism?
It’s only now that I catch glimpses of it. I see the sparks coming from the shine of the light hitting it. I catch the buzz of embracing the perfection of my imperfection once in a while. I get it. And then it flits away, and I find myself prodding and poking the wrong hornets nests to get a reaction, to feel like I count, like I exist.
Who I think I am and who I need to be and who I really am are all different, and it’s not up to me any more. It’s the Creator’s, and I have to trust in where I am nudged is just part of the plan. I may not like it, nor approve, but that’s where it is, y’all. Move to the rhythm, even if it’s not my usual beat.
We have a saying in recovery – “attraction, not promotion”. I live my life in a way that attracts others to find out what it is I do. I live in a manner that brings positivity and light to my soul. I live in a way that detracts from the shiny and contours to the ordained. My job is to promote less, and attract more. Nothing more, nothing less.
Easier said than done. But what choice do I have?
As newly sober alcoholics can attest to, living a life almost contrary to our old ways is disarming and jarring. It gets better – believe me. It gets better. The things that we used to do with impunity (lying, for example) becomes very difficult to pull of when on a spiritual path. The things that used to serve us, like manipulation, no longer do. We just move past it.
So – who do you think you are? I know that who I think I am isn’t necessarily who I am meant to be.
I sit with this today, and do my best to move through it. Look at others who have what I want, who exude a gentle and quite confidence, who shine a little brighter, who truly feed from the light within and don’t seek from externals. Those who can look back at yesterday and say, with ease, “that is no longer me. I have grown and today I have more clarity”. That is where I look to next. You are all out there, and I see you. I see you there. You all help me with this. Whether you have two days or two decades under your belt, you’re there.
Let me see you a bit more. Come to the light here…come. You’re a beautiful person.
Let’s have warm cookies now.
Thanks for being here.
(Edit – I will be away on vacation starting April 3, so forgive me if I don’t respond to your comments right away. – I will be internet “dry”. I will gladly read any comments on my return. Have a blessed week, y’all. Paul)
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(I wanted to share this video from Future Islands, who recently performed on Letterman. First of all, it’s called Seasons (Waiting on You) – and anyone who reads this space knows my love of things cyclical, as are seasons. Also, I love the fact that the singer, Sam Herring, just does his thing. His authenticity is captivating and powerful and just damn fine. I admire his ability to express himself and that he just puts himself out there, not worrying about how he might be looked at. And the result – I can’t stop taking my eyes of him. It’s actually gone viral, this video, so I am not the only one to feel it. Anyway, he attracts. And it’s a groovy song, to boot. Enjoy)
Message in a Bottle 
I think sometimes it’s easier for others to see who we really are from the outside looking in, but when all’s said and done it’s only the Great Spirit who can really introduce us to our real selves. It took a few years but once I’d pushed the discomfort I eventually fell in love with that person. Well written again, Paul, respect man.
Surrounded by a family of alcoholics growing up, my battle was the fear of becoming one. It haunted me through my teens and early 30s, especially as my first marriage unraveled. Knowing who I was — and who I needed to be for those important to me — helped me realize that alcohol was still running my life through fear. Whether trying to stop or not start drinking, accepting yourself and your fears are important steps that I didn’t learn until I reached 40. Sounds like you are there, my friend. This is an excellent piece that reflects someone who “gets it,” Paul.
I wrote: “I want my boundaries respected, but at the same time, mine should also be respected, ”
Paul, I meant to write: “I want to respect other peoples’ boundaries, but at the same time, mine should also be respected.
This is an excellent post, my friend. I needed some of these reminders today, now, facing my own struggles. Thank you for this ❤
This post has many thought-provoking ideas! I understand so much of what you write about. I feel a sense of what my authentic self would be/is but it’s scary to grow toward it.
With less than a year into sobriety I want to keep it simple. When I worry too much about who I am and who I was meant to be I fall into a pattern of self-loathing for doing neither well. “Is it towards the ease and comfort of putting myself down yet again so that I get an ego boost of self-pity?” Perhaps so. Your sentence seems apt but I’m struggling to understand all that it implies. I sense I am stuck in that pattern but it’s murky and dark and I don’t see a way out. I can be grateful that you are in front of me blazing the trail.
Good stuff about the meat of recovery. I like how you can cut to the chase and write about what’s real. I also enjoyed the singer for his genuineness. 🙂
Fern
Really beautiful post!
There are so few people in this world I trust enough to look up to. And you are one of them. Something in the way you write encourages me so much (and there is so little encouragement out there).Reading your journey helps me believe recovery of the authentic self is not just possible, but worth the hell you have to go through to get there.
I didn’t drink much, yet I relate so much to the self-destructiveness and the pain. Thanks for sharing your authentic self with us.
It struck a chord when you said ‘we don’t have relationships, we take hostages.’ Whew. I never heard it like that, but that’s entirely how it felt to live with my husband’s problem drinking. It’s odd, I’m sure my husband could relate a lot to your story. And I feel, in some strange way, it’s as if your sharing helps me heal some of the damage my own husband did to me. I can see what my husbands point of view may have been like a little bit more clearly (he’s told me enough that the stories sound similar). Thank you for carrying the message. It gives me hope for my own healing.
Much love and many blessings,
Casey
I am completely in awe of your openness and honesty. I know it is in no way the same thing, but when I came out at 33 and had to bust open my marriage and re-define my identity I went through a similar thing. If I wasn’t a straight, married, mother of three then who the hell was I? I have been in a process of re-definition ever since. It is always a fluid thing but worthwhile navigating in order to live your true life. Much power to you. You have a strength that is seldom seen in this world
x
“Dance like no-one is watching.” Ever heard that? I wish I could get close to that – I don’t dance cos I look a total idiot but because I don’t dance I don’t improve if anything I’ve regress in any innate ability I had over the years.
What’s that to do with this – well that is it for me, I know myself but limit myself due to the external. Why should I care if people say “Blimey, he can’t dance to save his life” – why does that matter?
Ever looked into the Johari window? Clever little device about what we know about ourselves and what others know about us. Many recovering alcoholics, esp in the blog world, are continually opening up their “open” area through declarations like yours here and mine about my dancing. But also there are many things in my mind similar to dancing like no-one is watching that I still won’t reveal… that’s the work to be done
Ah, yes. To become a person “who feeds from the light within and doesn’t seek it from externals”. That is the dream, yes? This is brilliant Paul. Thank you.
You seem like you are on a journey, a journey to who you would like to be. It also sounds to me that you have a very good handle on what makes us do the things we do and how we got into the pickles we tend to get into – I had not realised that those support methods were so comprehensive and interesting, great stuff you have learned along the way there. Not just for recovering alcoholics (don’t we just love labels!) but for anyone looking for themselves in amongst all of this and all those others out there.
Just a couple of things that might help, you are not specifically ‘meant’ to be anybody, it’s your choice, that’s what makes it hard – and that’s what makes it easy. There is no right you and no wrong you, just you becoming. You are in the process of making yourself, and you ARE the process of making yourself – not just this time round, but for always and forever. So for a while there you played the alcoholic, it sounds like you did a pretty good job, plumbed the depths of the character, really got to know the issues involved. It also seems as well as helping yourself out of that particular role when it no longer served, you are also very interested in helping others who are, shall we say, maybe a bit too immersed in the role they are playing to see a way out of it. Its not my place to have an opinion, but if I did have one and I was to speak it out loud, I would say your making a very good case for your life so far. You seem to me to have created a life of great depth and purpose and I am sure when you take a break from things later you will look back and see something similar.
Just another point, when you say it is the Creators job to nudge you in the right direction now, you intimate that you have let go, released control. So many people have huge issues with this, but doesn’t it feel wonderful just to let go, really let go! The poor old ego works really hard to keep everything on an even keel, to keep you safe and protected, it doesn’t like to think that if it lets go there is something else there to look after you. I think you know there is far more to you than this instance of expression you find yourself in, you are far more than that which flickers into being in this particular space and time probability. If you could see the bigger picture, even for a split second, then the battles you enact here and now would pale into insignificance – but what good would that be to a life well lived?
Thank you for this post, I have no idea how I came across it!
With much love and respect – Tim
Perhaps the question should be…who do you WANT to be?
I so love what you write – every damn time! 🙂 Attraction not promotion indeed xx
Pauly, you are your (principled) authentic self.
My authentic self is in my 4th step. ( A scared little kid who grew up to become angry and self centered adult)
My ism’s were in force long before I picked up a drink or a drug and have been a control on my life since forever and continue, though to a lesser extent today. As a result of trying to live our principles, my authentic self today is a whole hell of a lot better than it ever has been.
If I continue honest inventory, asking for help, and trying to do the next right thing, my authentic self will be revealed. All we have is today, so might as well make the best of it and try not to project into the future or past. All I can do is try my best, the future, direction, and results depend on the man upstairs.
Authentic self is a work in progress.
Fascinating post, Paul. As usual, you’ve got the thoughts combusting against the walls of my hungry mind. I think that might be it right there… our minds are constantly hungry for some type of fulfillment. Whether that gratification comes in the form of the bottle or truly chasing after our dreams while managing to have other gravitate toward what we are choosing to put out there… well this, my friend, is up to us.
My whole recovery has been a constant progression. During the darker days prior to this beautiful time of my life, I always had an image in mind of who I wanted to be someday. But things kept getting in the way and every time I actually thought about putting the bottle of wine away for good, that demon always came knocking down my door, provoking me like some bully. Telling me the only way I was able to make people laugh or be the life of the part was to become drenched in liquor. Well, guess who the joke was constantly on? That’s right.. me. And I was completely at fault. I didn’t have a clue about who I really wanted to be because I never gave myself the chance to grow and learn from my own soul and self-admiration. When we learn to love ourselves, there is a light which generates from our hearts. It’s captivating. People are more inclined to follow us and look up to us instead of run away from us which is what most sane people do.
I love when you wrote, “I know that real happiness and contentment comes from staying true to myself, and that my serenity soars when I don’t seek approval from the external. And yet, I will sabotage myself. Over and over again. It’s like I don’t trust myself, or trust giving it up. Of letting go.” There was a time when I felt like, “Okay, I can do this. I don’t need to sabotage.” And once things were starting to get better, it was time for destruction to alienate me once again. It was only until I completely removed the problem when I was able to turn the light on inside of me.
I can only hope and pray our brothers and sisters can give sobriety the time it needs to breath and find it’s way in the world. Everyone’s path is different and all of our journeys through sobriety are going to fan out in different spaces. But here’s hoping more people struggling can find the strength to give it a try. It’s absolute stunning to be in these places now. Magnificent, actually=)
Another insightful, inspirational post. Thanks Paul.
Sharon
As usual, you brought up something I will mull over. I’ve recognized that alcohol was a big spirit blocker since around the time I dried up. I maybe hadn’t made the same connection with “our self-seeking ways, dishonesty, ego, pride, fears, etc.” Thank you for sharing what I needed to hear today in yet another soothing, beautiful essay.
Paul, this is such a big topic. A few months before I got sober, I took an online class through Brave Girls Club called Soul Restoration. The basic idea behind it was to close my “soul house” for restoration and kick everyone and everything out. Through art/collage projects and journaling, I was encouraged to restore my soul house and decide who and what to let back in. When I pictured my soul house with just me in it, it was bleak and colorless. The only life I found in my soul house seemed to come from other people. I thought I needed to drink to “be myself”. I thought that alcohol opened up the doors to who I really was but all it did was mask the parts of myself I didn’t like and blur out the good parts that still needed to mature and develop. I could write a book here but I just want to say that I got a lot out of your post and you hit on such important points. Have a great vacation!
Hi Paul, you never cease to delve deep into the needs of the human spirit. And your posts always move me. They’re filled with so much emotion and, I believe, are a true expression of your ‘true’ self. You are being open here. You are being vulnerable and transparent. Know that it is much appreciated.
“mouthwash”
–I’ve seen this in my dad. It really is the ultimate expression of alcohol addiction. And so sad, really, so sad. Even now I’m almost in tears (but the again I am emotional today).
I really believe, Paul, that all people, I mean ‘ALL’ people are in desperate need to return to their creator. That it is only then that we can be truly authentic, or at least, on the road to becoming our true authentic self. We are such silly little creatures scurrying around this earth, trying to find pockets of pleasure and tidbits of ‘somethingness’ to fill the void and emptiness that lives at the core of each and every one of us. From Canada to Brazil. From the tribal peoples of Africa to the tribals of the pacific. From Northern Europe to the countries of the Far East. No one is left out. We all have the basic need to find completeness in the one that made us. Humanism has lied to and stolen this from the post-modern world, unfortunately. The amount of teenage suicides in astronomical. And it is no wonder that depression is the disease of the 21st century. Oh, how my spirit is heavy now with this topic.
Yesterday I posted a poem called, “Humanity’s Search” and gave a bit of the background to it. I quoted St. Augustine. This is what he said:
Man is prone to a curious feeling of dissatisfaction and to a subtle sense of longing for something undefined. This feeling of dissatisfaction arises from his fallen condition: although he has an innate potential to relate to God or the absolute, this potential can never be fully realized, and so he yearns for other things to fill its place. Yet these other things do not satisfy, and he is left with an insatiable feeling of longing—longing for something that cannot be defined.
Whether it be alcohol or drugs, or it could be money and material possessions. For some, it’s social acceptance or the quest for the ‘perfect’ body. For others, it’s study, philosophy, religion or the belief in doing good to others. People try and find completeness and fulfillment in one thing or another. When really there is only one way.
I know this comment is long, but a post as rich and as deep as this demanded such a response from me.
Many blessings my friend.
🙂
Here is who I AM & Will always be in Recovery! Keep It Simple!
*IT’S NOT ABOUT PERFECTION~~IT’S ABOUT PROGRESS*!!
Great Post Paul….Hugs & Blessings, Catherine
PS….Thank You for all your Kindness on Twitter! XoXo 🙂 🙂
Lovely post, Paul.
Well shit, Paul. I’ve just ruined my mascara. Your writing has moved me to tears. Thank you so much for such a wonderful post. It really spoke right to that authentic self inside me. You’re an excellent writer and a shining star.
“I know that real happiness and contentment comes from staying true to myself, and that my serenity soars when I don’t seek approval from the external. And yet, I will sabotage myself. Over and over again. It’s like I don’t trust myself, or trust giving it up. Of letting go. ”
This is so me and I struggle with trying to overcome seeking approval from the external. I think one of my biggest issues is comparison, the thief of joy. I have to be like someone else in order to obtain what I want, that I won’t ever receive it just being me.
I really enjoyed another thought provoking, raw post.
This is a tapestry, several rich posts in one. I wish this were Freshly Pressed, though you had your day in the Sun. =)
Brilliant, how you got under the cover, so to speak:
“we concealed our feelings, we concealed the shame and guilt, we concealed our fears and pain. We concealed the truth. We concealed our Authentic Self. ”
But why? Did all the hiding begin with the shame of the alcohol and the fear of censure? Dominoes from there on? Or did each thing you hid bear its own reason?
Hope is something I think about – and so find it insisting itself into my writing – a lot. Without it, we’re dead.