It seems that I am having a hard time writing these days.
Oh I can put words down on the keyboard, but they are floating about and bumping into one another and jostling for space and not behaving as they should. The words are flailing about, treading on one another, stomping on each other’s feet, adverb-sarily taunting one another and just being naughty in general. Whenever I get into a flow, bombs drop out of the sky and poke holes in the narrative. Analogies breakdown quicker than a Hyundai in a snowstorm and my beginning-middle-end have no beginning, middle or end. It’s a hodge-podge of gruel, porridge and mush.
I have about 15 posts in my drafts folder and am becoming a draft dodger as I try to soldier on here. I am warring with the words and they have me laying down arms and typing fingers. Every time I get the buzz to scribble down thoughts, they vaporize and scatter like roaches when the lights get turned on. Whenever I get the zen to share something here, words turn on me. A literary Lupus of sorts.
They say that when you are stuck, it’s important to keep writing. They say that even if you write about not being able to write, write. And that’s what this here post is. I am writing about the fact that words are playing a cruel game of hide-and-seek and I am the exasperated parent on the couch with a tumbler of Sprite and a thimble of patience and just not interested. But that’s the game. That’s the way it goes when you write. Ass-in-chair wins out all the time. Ass-in-chair gets words on the screen, even if they don’t make sense. Anne Lamott talks about writing a “shitty first draft” and I have plenty to plaster the walls of Paris with that.
That is what writing has taught me – to write. Even when you hate it, even when you love it, even when the wallpaper is peeling and you want to fix it and even when everything in you says f*ck it and want to go and play Angry Birds for an hour or watch bad music videos on YouTube, you write. Or when you run out of coffee. Write.
Stephen King once said that “The scariest moment is always just before you start.” I understand that because when I sit at the screen, all my fears and voices within join me, and they chatter and catcall me and pinch me and heckle me and they play the vuvuzela in my ear. When I push them aside and honour the one singular voice that is scraping on the walls of my mind to breach surface, then I can begin the flow. I can then start to heed that call that is always hounding me. Beseeching me to put digit to keypad.
I am a lot of things, and writer has always been one, even before I learned what writing was. I can’t talk worth a damn, my drawing and painting skills go no further than stick figures, I dance like an Ewok having a seizure and I sing like a dying aardvark. But I can write. And no matter what I have endured in my life, writing has been there. The only time I put writing back in the desk was in the last painful years of my active drinking life. That hurt as much as anything else did. The one thing that centered me had been put in the rubbish bin alongside the empty bottles.
I used to write short stories. I also started a novel. As a starter of things, I am batting 1.000 in the Big Leagues, but as a finisher, I am still riding the pine in Triple-A ball. This blog was my gentle re-emergence to the craft, to at least get something out there, to put one bloody word in front of another and not trip doing it. I still haven’t touched my old stuff nor have I started anything new. Fears still hold me back, but I am aware of that and hope to get past them and just start. Ass-in-chair kind of stuff again.
So in the meantime, I write about not being able to write, and yet I write, so perhaps I am being dishonest when I say I am having a hard time writing. Perhaps it’s just that I am a having a hard time putting it together. Or having a hard time being vulnerable. Or having a hard time moving through the things that block me from doing something great. Or at least passably good. Or having a hard time getting to the real core of things within. The sticky stuff inside. To quote Mr. King again – “Fiction is the truth inside the lie”.
Isn’t that what we do here when we write? Dismantle everything and display it for all to see and pour blood on the page and bring a light to dismal places? It’s about the truth, and I can manipulate words and they can manipulate me and yet me meet in the middle with those who read them and we collude to see our own truths in our eyes and we settle down for tea and share.
Or coffee. And I truly am out of coffee. And that needs fixing.
Paul
Message in a Bottle 
This is an exceptional expression of your exhaustive frustration.
This alone is a work of expressive art. Captivated by your first paragraph and felt compelled to comment before reading any more – and I’m a trained journalist.
“Oh I can put words down on the keyboard, but they are floating about and bumping into one another and jostling for space and not behaving as they should. The words are flailing about, treading on one another, stomping on each other’s feet, adverb-sarily taunting one another and just being naughty in general. Whenever I get into a flow, bombs drop out of the sky and poke holes in the narrative. Analogies breakdown quicker than a Hyundai in a snowstorm and my beginning-middle-end have no beginning, middle or end. It’s a hodge-podge of gruel, porridge and mush.”
Stop beating yourself up, Paul. It’s the disease.
Love and thoughts,
Anne
I have a couple of stories I had the impetus to write about 10 or 15 years ago, but never did, and paintings too. It’s a regret as they would have been good and my own fresh look at things.
I have Anne Lamott’s “Bird by Bird” book too and it’s so helpful with this sort of thing. Generally it’s a momentum thing. Start, and even if you only do ten minutes per day, it’s started and you can get back to it, whereas if you don’t start at all, 15 years later you think of it with wistful regret and loss.
I also think with blogging there is a tendency once you get a following to think that you have to be the guru who teaches, who leads, the one who knows, the one who helps others. You can still do that, however, finding joy for yourself is key, writing for yourself is key, finding pleasure in writing a paragraph for a short story you get a kick out of is key. You need to absorb joy yourself, despite fear, just remember what it feels like to write with joy and jot down ideas for stories with joy.
I too started writing again just by blogging about other projects and cards. You do improve your skills, you also improve your ability to make good sentences and paragraphs. Practice is practice in any endeavour.
If you aren’t interested then it means you need a break to rediscover joy. It doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. You might find it interesting to read biographies of writers, poets or artists while you take a break. That way you aren’t totally cut off from it and you start to realize what a slog it is for others.
I LOVE this post!! Proof that writing when one can’t think of what to write is the right thing to do, right? A friend of mine told me, that if I was stuck in the writing doldrums I should start with a single “word”. But how can you start with a word when there are SO MANY? So I started writing down words I hate (plethora, serendipitous, vis-à-vis…), which got me on the topic of hating people, simply because they uttered a word I hated…
I would not worry about writer’s block if I were you. Great, hilarious, challenging post – per usual…
XXXOOO
M
And yet, you still produce a masterpiece.
I have no words of advice because I do not share your talent of writing and so never struggle to blurt out whatever is on my mind (lol), but I will say that I look very much forward to all of your posts.
Love it. Been there, man.
Well said Paul. I, unfortunately, am finisher, not a starter. Once i have started I always seem to finish. Which means i have no posts sitting in the wings. I will tell you this about me though: when I am confused or not sure what I am going to do in life, then my writing comes harder. The more focused I am in life, the more focused I am in my writing. I don’t know of that means anything to you or not, but just sayin’. How has your life changed since you spoke with God on the bench? That would be interesting.
Oh, you are not alone! I’ve been bumping up against the same story or lack of, for about a year now. Your post is a reminder to just do.
I am not a writer. I love blog posts that show the depth of thought the author has made.
My posts are quickly written, on a whim, usually with the spark of joy or fear or anger that brought me to a place that I hope might help me to write about or others to read.
I have always wanted to be a writer. I even have an English degree, earned as I went through engineering.
I suppose it’s never too late for any of us to start!
Hope your writers block dissolves!
Anne
Your struggle is so beautifully brave. Writing is something I’ve let fears champion. Appreciate you sharing. Always wishing you well.
Kind thanks, NewLeaf
I reckon you could seek out the poetry in a shopping list Paul. You’re truly out of coffee, I truly love your writing.
Paul for someone who says he’s having trouble writing – you sure can write! 🙂 xx
Pfft, that was brilliant! 💋
Ha! I loved this, especially the image created for me about the parent on the lounge with a tumbler of sprite and a thimble of patience :). So, you want to write your way out of your funk? Seems like you’re doing a fine job of that!
Oh Man if I could write like that about not writing, I would write all the time! As many of you blog followers have already pointed out; Wonderfully done! There is a lot of great advice and I even took some myself just now.
I was going to respond later but then the energy would be dissipated and the joy of responding would not be the same. I have to get in the practice of “do it now” or it don’t get done!
Just like “ass in the chair” write even when you have nothing to write about. I have been doing “morning pages” almost everyday since I moved into the apartment, the blog as only been published a few times in the past few months. Someone above as well as you mentioned the process of truth and blood on the page. I felt that many times through blogging. At the moment I am not sure I wish to be that vulnerable right now, even my photography as slowed down a bit… recharging, examining, looking at the details.
Keep going you are doing great!
A lot of guys drink and write, like Hemingway, but Flannery O’Connor suffered from Lupus and still wrote sober and in pain every morning and rested in the afternoon. Drinking is a crutch. Flannery O’Connor used two crutches, neither one having anything to do with booze.,..I respect that.
i hear ya.
piles of unfinished posts..some i go back to because if i had the thought a couple weeks ago it may still be a good thought, you know. There may still be something there to write about.
I put up a place holder blog just the other day, because it had been a long time. Place holders are good….
and this was a very well written one.
“Ass in chair. Shitty first drafts. left foot, right foot, left foot breath!”….all Anne at her best. And clearest.
True
I really need to read Anne Lamott.
Inspired, and inspiring, Paul, and a motivating lesson in Just Do It!
Brilliantly said… er… written! 🙂
Well done! Sounds like your are having trouble publishing more than writing since you said you have about 15 drafts started! Writing clearly and well is much more difficult than people think it is and every time you publish it is a risk. Writers, myself included, all say they write for themselves but we need a reader and want to do it well.
Perhaps you just need to hit that publish button and see the response…this post was excellent, honest, and resonated with a lot of readers…lets meet in the middle then, shall we?
Groovy thoughts. Honest. True yet fun and not without the usual mastery of the language.
Hugs,
Linda
I delete all my drafts if I don’t publish them within 24 hours. I can’t stand looking at them undone in the draft bin – drives me nuts. I also can never remember what the heck I was trying to say when I started the post so what’s the point of going back?
I so admire writers like you who really craft your pieces. It’s like a work of art when you hit publish. It’s evident when I read it how incredibly talented you are and how much your writing means to you. That’s why I love reading your blog and why I would happily buy your book or short story anthology or any magazine that carried an article penned by you.
So stay stuck…just don’t stop writing.
Sherry
So I think it was you who once told me during a bout of writers block, that our writing doesn’t have to be perfect and to just write from the heart……..you are an incredibly talented writer, I only hope to be half as good as you someday.
Even your writers block is brilliant!
Hang in there:)
Katie
Stops and starts are what I’ve been stuck on too.
I was just telling my husband the other day that I think my writer’s block is because I’m happy in my life right now. Usually my grand forays into writing are fueled by things I need to work out, usually some sort of angst. Sure, I’ve got things I’m worried over and life isn’t perfect, but mostly I’m content… even with my writer’s block.
Im running on day 42 and have truly truly enjoyed every word of your sober blogging so fare. As a none english speaker your langauge truly enriches mine – plus alot of laughs 😉
Do not take yourself all too serious now 😉
You have already made a major impact in this Sober Univers – why not just enjoy your rebounding and allow yourself to head for YOUR next (bigger) writing piece … you may already what that is already ?
http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html
THX., and nice weekend 😉
Paul, I have been going through this malaise for several weeks now. You expressed my sense of paralysis so well, and my need to get myself back in gear. If Shakespeare were listening in to my thoughts, he would surely say, “Get thee to it, woman!” And so I am trying to get myself back to it. It’s comforting to know others experience this, too. Great post.
Reblogged this on Odyssey of a Novice Writer and commented:
I had to reblog this post from Carry the Message. This post describes so accurately the feelings I’ve have been battling the past month or two. It’s comforting to know others experience this dry patch. I am having a serious conversation with myself at present, admonishing myself to get my writing butt back in gear.
Have any of you also experienced this malaise from time to time?
If you get a chance, check Carry The Message out. This gentleman has a seriously great blog.
This is an excellent post which speaks to me. I battle the words on the pages when I’m drained of energy because of worry, over-work, not enough sleep etc. Sometimes, my mind is a complete blank; I can’t think of the word that means (insert your choice), which distresses me farther.
Is your daily schedule plugged tight, are you overwhelmed with too much on your plate. That can be exhausting. Maybe all you need is to take a carefree weekend to get the cogs up and running again. 🙂
Lol – my draft folder is full too. I can really identify with this post – sometimes when we think what we’re writing is not ready for prime time it really resonants with our viewers. Just one of those ironies of writing! jan
HECK YA! You can write. Pretty darn good too 🙂
Heya Paul, great article. I once read (well, I haven’t finished it yet) a book called, The War of Art. It’s pretty good and goes into what you were saying here about just sitting your butt down in the chair and forcing yourself to write. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or not. What matters is that you are determined to not let anything get in your way of that. You should check out that book. I think you would really like it (http://www.amazon.com/War-Art-Through-Creative-Battles/dp/1936891026/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1426529474&sr=1-1&keywords=the+war+of+art)
Anyhow, always a pleasure to read your posts. Interesting that you didn’t add any funky pics this time.
Hugs and blessings.
🙂
Hello again, It seems I’m moved to comment on another of your posts. You say,
“They say that when you are stuck, it’s important to keep writing. They say that even if you write about not being able to write, write. ”
Who says this? I think it’s actually very bad advice. Why? Because it’s general. I don’t think there’s a generic solution. Obviously, in order to be productive, there will have to be a certain number of hours in which your fingers are hitting the keys. There’s no way around that.
And, the question so many have tried to answer: How do you manage to get those hours in? Every person must figure that out for himself. So, a first draft of a novel…that could require around 240 good hours. On the most basic level, your ass must be in a chair as your fingers hit the keys for 240 hours.
If a person’s having trouble getting those 240 hours, I don’t think a generic answer is to sit there being unproductive towards those 240 hours while actively going through the motion while not doing it for real. That’s definitely not going to be the answer for everyone. It even surprises me a bit that it’s the answer for anyone.
Now, there’s a great deal that could be said. I’ll close with an unpleasant thought, which has no specific target. One of the unfortunate things about writing is that it’s too accessible. That’s to say, there are a great many people who are literate. And, they’re capable of sitting down and putting words on paper. The bar of entry is on the floor. I could sit at a piano and hit the keys for the next year; and, I guarantee you there will not be a beautiful song composed. Nor do I or anyone else expect that this is within my potential.
Hey Jonathan, I am just lurking on the sidelines yet your comment just got me out of my slumber and moved me to put fingers to keyboard. I agree with you that there is no generic solution, yet the purpose of writing about what is keeping you from writing is a means to get in contact with that creative force that I call God. Sometimes another influence comes through, yet this can be discerned and dealt with by writing it out, sometimes not by you, yet by somebody, it gets out and into the light. and so you can work with it. You use the example of sitting at the piano, well to be able to play the piano you have to work at it, and there are folks that have a God given talent playing the piano, yet even a tone deaf person can learn to play and even make some money at it if that is what he sets his mind to do, and puts in the hard work to achieve his goal, accepting that there will be failures, yet not letting the failures hold him back from achieving his goal. Paul is doing his part to help himself by helping others, he is doing something that is truly beautiful, sharing his struggle in all honesty, the good and the bad, and that it is a one day at a time proposition. I see in him great potential, for he is putting forth an effort that is worthy of praise, and is an inspiration to those who struggle, a bright light in this darkness. I have just read his latest blog post where he is taking his bow and leaving the central spotlight of the blogosphere, and I will truly miss his voice that has helped me in my struggle for the past couple of years, and I pray that he will not let his voice be silent for too long, for his voice is needed in this song, just as every voice is needed, even the ones who can’t hold up to the scrutiny of the negative critics. Even the negative critics are needed, though their job isn’t always appreciated and their efforts are at times destructive to good folks. We are all in this together whether we see it or not.
Putting my hand up and admitting that the writing malaise has started to infect me too. I am telling myself that it is because my life has become so hectic, but I always seem to find something else rather than writing to do…
Excellent post! ❤
There are some striking phrases in here. I hear you. But you’ve nailed it. reading is the best thing you can do when you find it a struggle. Hemingway’s A moveable feast is a must, if you haven’t read it already. I learned much about the craft of writing reading it. But just reading other fiction is an act of replenishment. Swallow the words and they will coalesce into something new and marvellous when summoned. Read. Write.x