I’ve been doing some work over the last week or two. Recovery work. Step work, to be honest. One doesn’t ever graduate from doing this kind of work. There aren’t diplomas that hang from our walls when we go through this stuff, same as I don’t have one for having a child. I just continue to be a dad – for a lifetime. Same goes with recovery. It’s not a destination – it’s a journey. And I forget that sometimes. I have realized in the last year or so that I have been complacent. Very complacent. Lazy. Oh sure I don’t drink, and don’t get the urge to do so. I have a good life. I have a life that others would dream of. I’m not rich in money, but I have people who love me and who I love. I work and have an amazing family and good loyal friends. I work in an industry that I still enjoy. I have a roof over my head.
I also have an illness that wants me dead. An ego that likes to shoehorn itself into my thoughts and turn them wayward. I have old thoughts and habits that if and when they crop up, can be detrimental to my well-being. Complacency, in my case, allows these things to creep up on me more quickly. Just like I can’t survive on yesterday’s food, I can’t rely on actions I took yesterday, last month or last year to help keep me on solid ground.
So I decided to have an old-timer friend of mine, John, take me through some work. Different work. It’s work from another fellowship that deals with narcotics, which is really an umbrella for any chemical addictions. The work is 12 step, but they approach it a bit differently. More digging. More writing. More questions. It’s something that I know other alcoholics have done, my sponsor and others I look up to included, and I know it’s deepened their own recovery. And so I am taking this on. And it’s not as easy as I thought it would be.
As John and I sat at the coffee shop and I had my homework ready – a list of things I was powerless over and how my life was unmanageable. He didn’t ask to look at it, but we spoke. And as we talked about addiction in general, he asked me a simple question – what do you think addiction is for you? I stumbled at first and then got into a progressively eloquent and dainty definition that eventually got away from me. He stopped me.
“Before you get further into your description there, let me ask you something – how is your addiction acting out in your life right now?” Full stop. I started to well up. Damn. You see, I am not in the throes of active alcoholism. I am not detoxing or just on 15 days of recovery. But hell if my alcoholism isn’t kicking my ass these days on so many other fronts. Knowing that I haven’t been entirely content and not going to meetings and not doing what I need to do is because the damn thing still likes to dance with me and screw me over is precisely why I decided to the work and why I was started to cry. I am still hurting and I don’t know what to do. That is the uncanny truth. The unfiltered verdict in my life right now.
Food. Sugar. Running. Internet. Talk about addictions. And let me tell you about some other hard truths. As we spoke, he brought up his own issues and how he, even after 25+ years recovery, still struggles with in different ways. He spoke about his alcoholic dad and the family dynamic which was exactly like mine and my wife’s. He showed me something from Adult Children of Alcoholic’s literature:
“We had come to feel isolated and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people-pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat…We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors, rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally” – excerpt from “The Problem” ACA
As I nodded and felt both sorrow and relief from hearing this, he read the last words from that passage –
“This is a description, not an indictment.”
Oh Christ, what a thing that opened up for me. To not feel bad about those things…I mean, I am not an adult child of an alcoholic, but I was and sometimes am those things there. I am also have immense intellectual pride. I am arrogant. I judge. I isolate. I don’t go to meetings because I don’t think I will get anything from them right now (even though when I do go, I am glad I went). I am a prideful balloon. These are the things that are tearing me down right now. These are the things that darken my heart these days, and have for some time now.
These are my hard truths.
These things do not define me though. I am not a monster. I am not an asshole. I sit in front of my computer here and make grand statements and sound like I know what I am doing and that I am some recovery guru, but I am just as messed up and unsure and just getting out of the starting gates in so many ways as others are. Just in different guises. I let my intellectual pride lead the way when I should be letting my heart and my Higher Power do it.
It’s in seeing what The Problem is that gives me some clarity these days now. While I see that I sometimes want to (and do) manipulate people and situations to please me, while I see that I have glaring character defects, while I see that I have a lot of work ahead of me, I also see that I am a child of Creator and a work-in-progress. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.
As we sat and spoke, John in his tell-it-like-it-is mocking ways (“Oh intellectual pride? Not you Paul…”[laughs]), I saw a crack in my armour. The one that still keeps others away. The one that’s still afraid to connect with others in a true, deep way. The one that is chain-mailed with fears galore. The one that is greater than and less than. The one that is still wounded. And we all know that crack is where the light comes in.
This stuff hurts, this truth thing. And I felt crushed in some ways. I still do a bit, but I know I need to keep writing and doing the work and talking about it. I am not sad, nor self-pitying, but just seeing what I need to see. But I know in the next step I continue to connect with a power that can and will help me. And then I get to see that once again, I am not the one running the show. I am just a garden variety drunk who is getting well. I don’t have an indictment, I have a description right now. I need not flog myself for not being a perfect example of recovery. I just needed to be. Something that is still hard for me to understand and do.
What it all comes down to is that I still don’t think I am worthy of all this. I know I am, but my alcoholism tells me I’m not. And that is what brought on my sadness. It will pass as I move through the work, as I move on my journey.
As we left the coffee shop and I started to unlock my bike, John told me of his plans for an upcoming vacation. We paused and then he hugged me in his huggy bear way and told me to “be gentle to yourself.” I laughed and told him that that was the advice I usually gave to others, but had a hell of a time doing myself. He laughed and smiled at me.
“Put the whip down Paul. Put it down.”
And he turned and walked away.
Be well, all.
Love,
Paul – a work-in-progress
Message in a Bottle 
“Be gentle to yourself”…waaay easier said than done, I know. Another well-written and enlightening post, dear Paul. I’ve made a concerted effort to be kind to myself and have had to subdue (more than once) the silly-ness that it feels like sometimes. I had a good friend ask me, “How can you be kind to others if you aren’t kind to yourself first?” I took her words to heart. Like you, I’m a work in progress. But, aren’t we all? xo
Incredible how what you wrote there is exactly the way I’ve been feeling. Same thoughts. I just can’t seem to express or articulate those feelings when I close up and isolate, putting a smug “I’m good” face on my head. Thanks a lot for doing what you do.
Paul…thank you for this. They are my hard truths exactly! Everything I have been thinking about and working on! We are worthy:-) it’s our disease that says we aren’t! Thinking of you as you go through this part of the journey!
lovely paul..thanks for letting us in.
I am doing a 5th step with my sponsee and it’s been humbling, because as she shares with me, I have stuff come up, I suggest actions to her that i’m not doing. but humbling is good…brings me back to where i need to be and i am so grateful for this experience. i can see that you are too.
i love the question..”how is your addiction acting in your life right now?”…talk about to the point, talk about confronting, just a great question and one i will be thinking about and probably using. that reminder that it is always there, that it can manifest in many different ways is something i cannot be reminded of enough.
anyway..lots to chew on here, and thank you, as always, for a great post.
It’s so true. We sometimes forget that no one is perfect. We feel guilty for our flaws. We punish ourselves for I ur inadequacies and we berate ourselves for our weaknesses. The difference between a good and bad person, I think, is the insight to see our imperfections, to know them intimately and learn to adapt, cope and adjustment them as much as we are able. You are a beautiful soul, Paul, love the good things about yourself and accept your flaws. Because people who love you sees both the good and bad, as you should love about yourself.
Thank you Paul for being so honest! Admitting we have a problem, having the problem reflected back to us, through a meeting or even when doing the work can catch us off guard. Isn’t that why we go to meetings, isn’t that why we do “the work” to see ourselves, to feel, to grow?
What is addiction to us, how do we avoid the world around us even when to drinking, while in recovery. Addiction is the dis ease. Addiction is that other little voice, and or behavior that tells us not to go to meetings, or to help that other person, whose problem you recognize but haven’t done the work yourself, or not really anyway.
I myself have found many excuses and I have the pride of Spiritual elitism, I keep people away in that manner. People who are newcomers are in “awe” only approach cautiously, the others think I “got this” I don’t need help, I don’t need fellowship and friendship, “he’s got it goin on!!”
None of us are perfect, and yes we are always working on our recovery. It is progress not perfection, it is the journey not the destination.
Keep coming back.
Jeff
P. S. I thought I had commented on “pink cloud”. Which we see you are not any longer on!
Great post, Very vulnerable. A lot of this resonated with me, especially the intellectual pride part (definitely need to work on my ego) Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work.
Holy shitballs great post Paul. I wish I could give you a big teary hug. xxx
What a beautiful, moving post, Paul. I appreciate, as always, you letting us in on your life; you share, and we all learn. So thank you for your service. I agree with all the commenters before me, I can relate to letting ego stand in the way of doing the work that needs to be done. Such a vicious cycle, and all it gets us is more pain. You inspire me to get going on some step work, so thanks for the nudge!
Also, and I will probably need to reach you off line for this… as a comrade in our 12-step fellowship, I am so intrigued by the concept of doing the step work through the format of another fellowship. I have never heard of this, and I am interested in hearing more! I will have to get in touch with questions, and I am so interested in any follow-up posts you may write on this subject (then again, I am interested in every post you write, so this last sentence is pretty redundant).
Hope you are enjoying your weekend 🙂
Wow. You don’t know how much I can relate to this Paul. In so many ways, I’m right where you’re at. And, that part that you quoted from ACA is so right on. Thanks for your honesty and sharing this. It gets me thinking about some changes I need to make.
I am also so grateful for this post. have kept coming back to it and seeing new things in it as my reflection upon it deepens. I so appreciate your willingness to continue upon the journey of self-examination and your grace in sharing it with us. this: ‘I let my intellectual pride lead the way when I should be letting my heart and my Higher Power do it’: yes. yes.
and also thank you for gently showing me the addictive face of some of my own behaviours. don’t you just love it when that stone you’ve been staring at stands up and wanders off on its own turtle legs?!
This is why after almost 17 years I’m here now. I realized I’ve still got work to do…on me. Thanks, Paul.
Godd stuff! Also, difficult to formulate words to even comment on this intense piece.. I really like your response to Josie, “spent my life deceiving myself”. Pretty much sums up my entire adult life. When all of the smoke, cream, fluff, and confusion clears up, that is exactly the core stump that is left heaped on the ground like a stupid, smoking, and deceiving clump. Thank you for your very insightful post.
Good stuff! Sorry! typo…
Hey Paul! Excellent post. I read it through about 4 times, pondering your concerns and revelations and work. You know what struck me? I have, at times drunk very heavily, but I dont think I am an alcoholic (it may have been close a few times)- I rarely drink more than a bottle of wine a month now. However, some of the struggles you are describing are the same struggles that I deal with as well,; including intellectual and spiritual elitism, ego, sublimation of self, dealing with my previous selves (that would be me in the past not as in schizophrenia), seeking God’s will, pride,etc.
I know that your struggles with acoholism have given you a perspective that i don’t have and you can and do link a lot in your life to that experience – and properly and necessarily so in order to maintain control. That being said, I think you may be digging into the “normal” and “typical” behavioiur and thought patterns that we all have. Granted it is from a direction that is not typical, but nonetheless, still very familiar to anyone who has lived an examined life for any reason.
You have dug deeper by pursuing a more difficult program in order to continue your work as you seem to feel it is incomplete. That is the same feeling that many of us share – that we have more to do, further to go, and falling back is not an option. I get the sneaking suspicion that that same feeling will pursue us to our graves. I don’t think you are alone by any means Paul.
As far as your previous life is concerned, I know your circumstances were not “average” but, given that, I think you will find that any honest person will have tales to tell of their past that they would not normally wish brought up.Perhaps not as concerning as yours or perhaps more concerning. I deal with this by perceiving my past as a separate person – one i was/am responsible for, but nonetheless a previous incarnation of myself. And then i forgive that person, because it always seems easier to forgive someone else than myself – at least so i’ve found. This seems to lift a lot of weight off my shoulders – and for sure involves something greater than myself and all that is around me. A sort of way to harness that greater power.
Anyway, Paul, excellent post. All this to say that whatever your initial intentions with treatment, you have progressed to a level that covers all of humanity – not just those who have suffered as you have. I suspect that if we trace this back in time, it will become clear that although many have not shared your background, your actions and discoveries are, indeed a part of us all on some level. Thank You for your strength and for sharing.
Trying for the second time as WordPress was playing silly buggers yesterday. Paul that passage from ACA could have been written about me. It still stuns me how similar we all are but in a good way. Thanks as always Paul xx
Paul,
I am always (for lack of a better word at 2:30 AM) excited and interested in a persons struggle with their addiction, and the courage to put it out there to the strangers who read their blog. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have such an addiction and have the courage to stop.
I myself, believe that addiction is in the DNA, passed down through the generations, My son believes the opposite that it is a choice. He was an active heroin addict’s for over 10 years and it almost tore our family in to pieces. He is sober now and trying to figure out what caused his addiction, and he believes it comes from his childhood. He believes that something in his childhood snapped his synopsis and caused him to be an addict. Myself I know how he was raised, he was raised with love.
I now know things now that I didn’t know before about addiction. I am an RN, and I saw it a lot in my line of work. People being admitted to the facility, To feed their addiction through IV, which by the way is a powerful concoction when administered by IV. I’m saying Demoral or morphine mixed with Phenergan, etc. I knew that that was why they were there, But as a nurse you have to play their game and agree that their pain is real, And I know that it is real, that they tell you it’s a 10 it’s never a one it’s always a 10 on the pain scale of how bad does it hurt from 1 to 10. I felt sadness for these people because it always reminded me of my own problems with my son and his addiction to heroin. He had told me that the pain from withdrawl was an all over the body pain not just localized in one area as patients tried to tell you
Paul, I am so very proud of you for the steps that you are taking to make yourself well, to be able to become the person that you want to become. I am just extremely very proud of you! I enjoyed your blog very much.
The Mom
Kris
This is just the message i’m getting from the Universe too: you’re OK. Just be. thanks for sharing 🙂 and be gentle with yourself! Hugs 🙂
I too enjoyed this post! I found myself taking notes.
I agree with the other Paul.
To be or not to be. That is the question.
Life; it’s tough but oh so revealing in so many ways!
peace
This a fantastic post. I had to pause when your friend asked what is your alcoholism to you. I was thinking that alcoholism seems almost like the wrong word for what bothers me. Because my immediate answer was “an escape”. Which is pretty much what all of my bad behaviors are. Now I am better at noticing a feeling and instead of trying to find a way away from it, I identify it and check around for real things I can do about it. Sometimes the answer is nothing, in which case I can often let it go, even if only temporarily.
I always get weirded out when people say something I’ve said or done is “brave” or that I set a good example because most of the time I feel like I’m just surviving and putting one foot in front of the other (preferable to stumbling down drunk). Not that I don’t hope that my honesty doesn’t help someone on their own path, but just that I am painfully aware that I am no expert on anything and just work hard to not screw up. Hardly brave or exemplary.
Sorry so long here. I guess you got me thinking, which is a good thing. So, thank you.
I love how vulnerable and truthful you are! What you write about sounds like it is hard for you but from where I stand you are brave and strong in your self-discovery.
My sponsor and I recently walked out of a meeting debating which one of us caused a member to run out abruptly. We both thought we had; to which my sponsor said, “We’re all fucked up.” I laughed at this because, ain’t it the truth?
I am glad John told you to put the whip down. I’ll do the same. 🙂
Fern
This comment has been one of the most helpful I have read to date ‘ “How is your addiction acting out today”? Wow, that is so helpful and has literally stopped me in my tracks numerous times throughout the day. When I try to do something so that I am not seen as incompetent or “bad”, I realize that this is my addiction acting out – it’s not me. Love it. It’s also very helpful in dealing with and understanding others behaviors – I can have more compassion when I ask the question or acknowledge that perhaps it is that persons’ addiction acting out and not necessarily the real person. Fabulous Paul – thanks for the insight!!
Wow, reading this and seeing some of the responses boy can I relate, especially, “Be gentle to yourself,” and how you can see it for everyone else. I am going through it, I cannot forgive myself for my daughter’s problems. I cannot let go of the guilt, shame and pain I feel. She’s in jail now, safe for the time being. We are trying to get her into a long term treatment facility but the truth, she’ll be 18 in a month, have access to her trust fund and I’m scared to death. She will be in jail long past her 18th birthday but I am so terrified for the day she gets out and a treatment facility is just wishful thinking. Until she wants it, nothing we do will matter except to continue on my own journey and continue to do my recovery work, stay clean and forge ahead one small step at a time. I have to patiently wait for her to be ready and it tears me up inside, the what-ifs, the guilt, I’m learning but it is challenging and being gentle to myself is something that doesn’t exist in my world but I can see it for everyone else.
Paul, I dropped by as I’m just back from our holiday in the UK and have about 24 hours until my nose is back to the grindstone (I am going to remove it occasionally and scream ‘BK’ at Mr WG if he’s the tiniest bit tardy with my coffee :D). We had a weird summer visit to the UK – deeply dark in places and ultimately more rewarding because of that – and I left feeling so happy to be growing and not a ‘grown up’ who thinks they’re about as ‘done’ as they’ll ever be. The excerpt you included from the ACA book is absolutely my sister, who’s really struggling as a result of having lived her life this way so far. I’ve always been The Selfish Brat of the family (am I in the book? am I in the book?) so although there’s loads of love, there’s not too much common ground between us and I am struggling to know how to help her. I think the ACA book could be a good place to look. I bloody love the honesty in your writing. It always, always speaks to Lil’ Ole [Former] Wine Drinker Me and Normie Me.
and I had my homework ready – a list of things I was powerless over and how my life was unmanageable.
Awesome. Isn’t addiction really idolatry? Which is simply worshiping an aspect of ourself, not Whom we were meant to worship? And what often drives the addiction – a severe form of the idolatry we all commit – is fear of not being satisfied, taken care of. So we go on the hunt for counterfeit pleasures.