
It started slowly.
An pang here, a twitch there. A subtle twist around the bend, a tightening up on the turn, a soft throbbing down the hill. Aches and pains are part and parcel of any physical activity. Running especially, considering the pounding the body gets as forces push and pull and bounce around like a physics lab demonstration…or a frat party. So as I have been dialling up the mileage on my body, there seems to have been a mutiny going on at sock level.
My worst fear – an Achilles tendon injury – was confirmed when I went to the physiotherapy clinic nearby. I have read horror stories about these kinds of injuries – people laid up for months, unable to run. Listen, I get grumpy when I don’t run for a few days, so not running for a while would certainly put my serenity to the test. And probably annoy the people around me as I huffed and puffed because I couldn’t huff and puff up and down streets and trails.
So I am to do the thing that often gets me out of my comfort zone – nothing. What do you mean do nothing!? I need to do something can’t I? Of course, I have a few stretches I need to do, a few physio appointments to attend to, and I can rest and ice and compress and elevate (RICE), but other than that, it’s out of my control. If I were able to, I’d perform surgery on myself or something. Even to my own detriment, because it would at least give myself the impression that I am doing something about it. Because for a guy like me, trying to control things still seems appealing at times, even at the molecular and muscular level.

For an alcoholic running nut (I have to get my official diploma for that to post on my wall), there is nothing that makes me grumpier than when I can’t run. Maybe it’s because I miss the endorphins rush, or the solitude, or the communion with nature and the Maker, or the feeling of accomplishment and soul-body nourishment. Or all of them combined. A sense of purpose and being that floods me when I lace up and head out the door (especially when I have a race coming up – like the full marathon in October). Most runners feel like that – I know I am not alone in this. Ask any semi- or full-enthusiast / hardcore runner and they will tell you about the dick-ish nature that comes with not being able to get out there and get that fix. Or for anyone that enjoys something that gives them a shot of that mojo – whether it be yoga, long walks or tennis.
And sometimes it reminds me of the times of what it felt like before getting my old booze fix. You know that feeling when you know that you’re going to get your “medicine”? Remember when you would just loosen up and cheer up and get all warm and fuzzy because you knew that you were going to get that first sip soon? The anticipation of it just threw a blanket of immaculate temporary serenity on the brain and spirit, awaiting the wash of C2H5OH to hit the back of the throat and hit that sweet spot. And when that didn’t happen, we’d get out of sorts. Annoyed. Bitchy. Unnerved at anything and everything. Frustrated and easily angered. At least that was my experience – grumpy old man ratcheted up a notch this side past “Walter Matthau”. And not getting my shoes on is like keeping the cork in the bottle sometimes. Baby wants his candy, damned the consequences.

Sort of reminds me of how things were in those tenuous early days of sobriety. I couldn’t hold onto any feelings as they slipped between my fingers. Or they clung to me like saran wrap. Unable to capture or shake what was really going on with me, I had no choice to seek the serene. Search for the things that brought me to a place of safety and protection. It was a leap of faith. What’s that Monty, what doors did you say were available? Oh yeah, Life or Death. (And of course, for an alcoholic like me, I would wonder for a while about how painful death might be…I mean, it can’t hurt that much, right?) Except that this time, instead of the blatant drama of perhaps being buried six feet under, I am just mildly annoyed. I can’t afford anything beyond that, emotional wise, lest it disrupt my centeredness.
So while I can’t go as hard and and as long as I want to go (get your mind out of the gutter), I am grateful that I can run through this. My physiotherapist suggested I do short runs and avoid the long ones. Dang. It’s the long ones I look forward to – the ones that keep me pushing forward, that max me out, that get me pumped and broken and beat up and glowing. The ones that my ego just adores, strictly for bragging rights. So I have to play it smaller – keep ego in check. Am I willing to actually listen to my body, ignore the magnanimous and boastful nature of my ego, and heed the advice of someone who knows better? Again, what are the doors, Monty? So when the physiotherapist says I can hurt myself further if I push it too quickly, what does that really mean? Oh dear, same mindset. Damn those consequences.
So as I am bandaged up and doing my drills and all that stuff, I think of that old adage – that it’s the doctor who puts on the cast, but God does the healing. And so very much in my both kinds of my recovery. You will remember that last time I posted, I wasn’t in too good a spot. Not a full on depressive state, but like my body, there was something that wasn’t right. And like my injury, it started slowly. A missed meeting here, a skipped prayer there, a tightness in my heart. But I persevered, ignoring the signs that my spirit were giving me. Like my injury, I didn’t know it was there until it was there.

So I look at both of these things in the same light – in one case, I am giving myself to someone who knows better – my physiotherapist. I take counsel with others who have been there (other runners). I do my reading up and take the necessary steps (no pun intended all around) to encourage and hasten my recovery, and yet listen to my body. I run, and take measure of where I am at. I stop and take in the scene around me, rather than try to break some pace my ego has created to determine whether I am “good” at this or not.
And in my bouncing back from a wounded spirit, I too have give myself (back) to someone / something that knows better – the very One who made me, the Maker. I have taken counsel with other who have been there before me (my sponsor, other members of the fellowship, my fellow bloggers / readers). I do my reading up (meditation books, Big Book) and take the necessary steps (har har) to encourage and hasten my recovery, and yet listen to my spirit. I take actions, and take measure of where I am at. I stop and take in the scene around me, rather than try to live up to some image of myself my ego has created to determine whether I am “good” at life or not.
In both regards, I am slowly coming around. I take advantage of the tools given to me – whether they be exercises, or spiritual guides, or just plain rest. Because rest is part of recovery. On both counts. What I have to remember (and re-learn over and over and over again) is that self-care includes rest of some kind. Even when I am not doing something, I am doing something. In the case of my injury, I am allowing the healing to occur to all the micro tears and scar tissue. In the case of my alcoholism recovery, doing nothing sometimes is just the A535 that my soul needs. Sitting and taking in a good novel can be just as nourishing as a day of spring cleaning or taking a newcomer to a meeting. All in balance, all towards the goal of continued serenity and inner peace and healing.

Sure, I’d love to jump outside tomorrow morning and run to my heart’s desire but I have to stick to what will work for me, not what I think will work for me in the short term. My daily reprieve is contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. So I do the daily things. As with healing my leg, I have to do what is needed to maintain my physical condition so that in the long run, I can have that long run. And continue to grow and stretch and be where I am expected to be.
Because the fact for this alcoholic is that I didn’t fix myself one iota. I tried to fix my alcoholism by either drinking more alcohol (a good-at-first, but increasingly ruinous cure) or trying to self-will my sobriety. Both failed spectacularly. In the end, I just surrendered and got bandaged up and let the Maker heal me. And I have to remember that, because when I stop and tell Him “Hey – I’ve got this one”, then that’s when things go pear shaped. That is what I was doing the last few weeks. I was trying to play nurse to myself and trying to will myself to heal, when all I needed to do was what I always did – surrender and let Him run the show.
And you know what? Crazy and wonderful things happen when I do that. Just last week, as I decided to open myself up to others and reach out (I like what Mike said in his comments to the last post about the internet being “bullshit” – ouch, but right in some ways.) I spoke to my sponsor, then I spoke to a guy I know who has been struggling for some time, and I also went to a meeting where I spoke to a newcomer and gave him my number. These actions really helped me get out of me. And even better was that I was able to write a letter of character for a fellow blogger for when she goes to court…how awesome is that? A nice way of giving back to the Universe, especially for all the groovy folks who wrote me letters not too long ago for my court saga. I never would have been open to that even last week.
So I’m in a holding patter on all accounts and feeling better daily. One foot in front of the other and just taking it as it needs to be. Neither rushing nor judging. Just being and taking it in and taking in the view along the way.

Thanks to everyone who put in a good word or more in the comment box last week. I am grateful.
Paul
Oh Paul, I feel for you. My husband is a weight lifting fanatic and he’s had a series of injuries lately. At first, he drove me crazy with his grumpiness and whining but then he read something that suggested using the downtime as a form of meditation and as a way to see things he wouldn’t normally see during the time he’d usually be working out. I don’t know if he actually took the advice but he stopped annoying me and seems more peaceful and patient. It’s sounds like you’re already finding your spiritual connection. I wish you a speedy recovery!
This read for me is all about trust. For me, taking away the running (exercise) is the equivalent of taking away one of my main solutions for coping. It all comes down to trusting the expert: Do I have to do it my way because I am so brilliant—NOT. Do I do it the suggested way because I don’t know what’s best for me (in this moment, regarding this situation)—YES.
On Friday, my main trusted source, gave me the title of a book to read. I hated the title. When I got to the book store I was hoping they would be sold out—they weren’t. I skimmed the Contents page—more stupid words. I said, “Don’t get it, it’s not what you need.” My TS (trusted source) said, “Get it, read it.” I’m irritated AND I buy the book, despite my thinking/bargaining/bad attitude.
Sometimes when I am growing, I don’t know what is best for me, so I find a source I can trust who will help me navigate.
Always a thought provoker.
Me
ps. regarding “hubba hubba” I was so busy looking at his abs that it took me 10 seconds to notice the truck in the tree
Good luck with the rehab on the ankle.
Just reading Lisa comment about “hubba hubba” … all I noticed was his wood… I’ll leave that there now before this descends any further.
Glad to hear you are picking up in other ways, I’ve found these depressive states are like a bumpy trough and you think you’re out but you’re not and then you bump back down… stay with it pal you will get through the other side I’m sure
Good post Paul, it is amazing what will happen with some investment in patience, trusting and helping others and always being open to doing His will instead of our own, it just gets confusing sometimes because I will get in the way of Him, so I have to revisit the basics til I learn to trust Him in ALL things. He calls me to a higher standard, yet I have to unlearn my broken ideals of perfection to be what He calls me to be.
Hope the injury heals soon and you can get back to running. I’ve never felt that about running (still something I kind of make myself do!) but my sister was telling me lately how she’s had to stop running with a back injury, and how hard it was to find something that gave her the same “intensity” as running. There’s obviously something about it I’m not getting! I like the parallels you draw with your need for spiritual healing too, and it made me think how it can sometimes be harder to spot those “spiritual injuries” that make recovery difficult – how sometimes we don’t even notice they’re there and plough on regardless making everything a lot worse, when what we really need to do is slow down, pause, take a look at the big picture and treat ourselves with some care. Thanks for the post 🙂 xx
Great post as always, friend! And thank you for mentioning Mike’s comments…I had to go back and look and there was a lot of (hilarious) wisdom there. You’re so right about surrendering and letting Him run the show. After catching up on my meetings this weekend (My treatment counselors always told us “Plan your life around your meetings, not your meetings around your life!” – words of wisdom that I’d been ignoring lately), forcing myself to open up to others at a large discussion meeting…I am in a much better place than I was a week ago. Doing my best to let my situation go…it’s out of my hands. I’ll be okay, and and you’ll be okay. Sending lots of healing vibes your way!
I white knuckled through your post until I read you are allowed to do shorter runs. Phew. Shorter runs to you probably sounds like the idea of no runs at all to me. So I get how scary that is. I depend on running to help with my mood and as an outlet for the excess energy that wreaks havoc in my brain. I remind myself there’s always walking or yoga or tennis, sure. I wish you a speedy recovery and hope you will be pleasantly surprised at how you feel in the interim.
“Most runners feel like that – I know I am not alone in this. Ask any semi- or full-enthusiast / hardcore runner and they will tell you about the dick-ish nature that comes with not being able to get out there and get that fix.”
I am certainly one of those people! In fact, have had that very same face as the poor soccer player pictured, although my ankle didn’t that bad. It did however swell up immediately, spent 6 weeks in a walking cast and another 2 months in rehab. Those were some dark days without rock climbing (which caused it) and running. I am impressed with your resiliency and support that you have as you recover. That would have helped me a lot then (5 years ago). Another great post!
I feel this way about yoga, which is strange because i never felt this way about any kind of exercise.
Yoga helps me get into a meditative state that carries me through the day…maybe give that a shot? A very good friend of mine is a runner and yoga teacher…swears that yoga enhances her running, and you could probably do that now.
That doesn’t help…
how about my favorite new prayer…the set aside prayer…
god, help me set aside everything i think i know so that i can have an open mind for a new experience.
and, service. dammit!! lots of it, out of your head.
probably pissing you off, sorry.
short runs, service, set-aside and maybe some stretches….
and I want to know what Lisa’s book is!
Don’t overdo it, you wouldn’t want to make things any worse.
Oh, and my mind never leaves the gutter, just so you know. I like it here.
I hear you have found a place of acceptance for circumstances beyond your control and I needed that reminder, too. Spiritual condition is most important.
Too bad about the Achilles. One bit of unsolicited advice: be careful because one injury can cause more when the body compensates.
Rest up, Dear Paul, and soon enough you will back to pounding the pavement full tilt. You are in good shape otherwise so it shouldn’t take long (we hope!).
Fern
Hi Paul, hope this comment finds you feeling better than when you wrote this. I am so sorry to hear about this fitness setback, I can relate to the frustration very, very much. What I will carry with me today, however, is the idea of opening yourself up to new possibilities… what an uplifting way to end the post!
Thanks for the ray of sunshine, even as you are ailing!
Thinking of you Paul and hoping it’s speedy:-) exercise is very good for the serenity!! But do what you are supposed to…ok?? Been working on a bit of that willingness to let HP run the show too!!
Paul,
Bummer about the ole heel. Isn’t it funny (really not laughing here) how the saying of something being an Achilles heel can relate to so many of our alcoholic ways? Whether it be resentments, pride, stubbornness or sloth, they all produce the same results.
the beauty of it is we get to step back, smile at ourselves, and realize as always something better is around the corner. Who knows? Maybe the time you were spending running is going to open up an opportunity your HP has been waiting to open up to you?
IDK. But, I have found the more I loosen my grip the more control I have. Freaks me out a bit, but I am learning acceptance..slowly.
Hope you are well.
hugs,
Linda
Sorry to hear about your Achille’s heel!!! 😀 I hate to say it but sometimes the body doesn’t let you forget you are getting old. Take care and hope it gets better soon! Oh, and be a good patient 😛
Hey Paul. Oh my goodness. No running. As a fitness buff, that would just kill me. I sympathize, my friend. I’ve heard it said before that those who regularly exercise and are hooked on it, they are considered to have a healthy addiction. And really, it is an addiction. It is such a huge part of my life, I don’t what I’d do if I couldn’t. The physical activity is so good for the not just the body, but the mind, spirit and overall well-being. Thank you very much endorphines.
I really like how you mentioned balance. That is something I think most humans struggle with. Finding balance. Not being an extremist in one thing or another. I know that for me it is very difficult. Although I love for this equilibrium.
“because when I stop and tell Him “Hey – I’ve got this one”, then that’s when things go pear shaped.”
–Oh no! not pear shaped. As a woman (that focuses too much on her body shape and size) I can truly understand the whole pear shaped thing. You know, in the Bible there’s a verse that says, “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!” Pride is our worst enemy.
Paul, you’ve outdone yourself with these pictures this time. They are so funny, not to mention your captions below. I especially appreciated the corny strong dude with the truck in the tree. I’m taken though so I won’t be going after that stud, even though he’s single.
🙂
Hugs and blessings always fellow canuck (i’ll be going there in a week – YEAH!)
Staci
🙂
Oh I see how it is. Instead of getting pissed-off at your body–for it’s weakness–for it’s traitorous abandonment of your dreams of fitness glory– and punishing it by pounding even harder when you run, you’re going to heed what it’s trying to tell you. Slow down. Rest. Heal.
I don’t know, man. Ever since you got sober. You’re different.
And bravo for that. I know that doesn’t come easy.
As you might know by now, I take great pride in my chiseled, penitentiary physique. I have powerful pecs and a wide lat spread. And although nobody has ever pointed it out or even mentioned it, I think I have good tricep definition.
But I also have a blown-glass back that gives out when I pick up a Scrabble tile the wrong way. Which is not something I’m especially proud of.
Anyway, now and then, it forces me to abandon my Greek God-doing-hard-time resistance regimen. Because I can’t even pull my pajamas down to make pee-pee without screaming. Oh it’s humbling alright. Having to use Lori as a crutch just to make it to the bathroom. It can be tough to swallow.
Because it’s so OPPOSITE of how I want to be.
But somehow that doesn’t seem to matter or change anything. The fact remains I have to be crippled for a few days. So now what? What do I do in the meantime?
That’s why I liked this- ” I stop and take in the scene around me, rather than try to break some pace my ego has created to determine whether I am “good” at this or not.”
That’s the crux of it. That’s where this whole thing pivots, eh?
Stopping and looking around. Taking stock of what is. Then recognizing some ego-created phantom ideal for what it is. And not judging what actually is against it. Accepting what is. As is.
Ironic too, that the impossible-to-reach ideal version is something we conjured up, in the hope that obtaining it someday, will allow us to finally accept what is.
I tell you it’s madness.
No wonder we got so thirsty.
Well screw that, I’ll just short-circuit that whole trap, and start accepting things as is A.S.A.P.
These days, when I do become bed-ridden because I picked up a piece of string, I make the best of it. Catch up on some sleep. Reading. I’ve actually come to enjoy the break–the break from my otherwise success-driven life.
(audience howls with laughter)
Okay, that’s all I have tonight. I’m still dragging, Pauly. So tired these days. Forgive me.
I just wanted to check in, since I’ve missed a few. Read and enjoyed them all, just couldn’t bring quill to parchment to comment. Until now. For this one here which I loved, of course.
Especially the Let’s Make a Deal refs. Since, you know, the Speed Freak Julie story.
Your friend always,
Marius
Paulio
Why is it so many don’t have the time to go to a meeting, yet almost never miss an episode of Dancing with the Stars?
I walk a ridiculous amount on my treadmill and my feet have started bothering me lately. I think it sucks that you do what makes you healthy and suffer other health consequences as a result–but if we don’t work out, we’ll gain weight and have much worse health consequences.
I’m sorry to hear about your injury 😦 That’s rough. Would be like if I couldn’t go hiking, which would be so hard for me!
I’m glad to hear though that you are trying to take the time to rest in more ways than one. I relate to what you said about not going at the pace your ego determines makes you “good enough.” I have the biggest tendency to do that.
Sending peace and rest to you my friend…
Oh Paul, I feel for you. i get really bummed when I get injured and I am not what you would call a hard-core athletic anything…but I get it. Hang in there. i’ll be saying prayers for a speedy recovery and for you to learn whatever lesson the Universe has in store for you from this. From reading this, it sounds like that is already happening. HUGS!