This is a piece I wrote a few weeks ago for a treatment center alumni weekly newsletter. My old treatment center, in fact, and one that I work with on a regular basis. I wanted to share this here on my blog.
She found it while cleaning up.
My wife, sorting through some shelves, found our wedding photo. I hadn’t seen it in many, many years. The last time I had gazed at it, it was on the floor, surrounded by broken glass and a torn frame – remnants of an argument we had one night. A night no doubt driven by, and exacerbated by, my untreated alcoholism.
My marriage was often a barometer for my own mental and emotional health. My marriage was like my drinking – on the rocks and complicated, both fuelled by my ego and self-centered actions. My alcoholism had isolated me and kept me distant from the woman I had vowed to honour and cherish for the rest of our lives. I was a fading shadow. A ghost of that young man in that picture.
When I came to treatment, my wife had already asked me to leave the matrimonial home. I was living on my own for the first time in my life. We both didn’t know what was going to happen, but it was clear that working on my recovery was first and foremost. Without that, everything else would crumble at the softest of breezes.
I took the advice from the old-timers who said that my Higher Power would take care of things once I took care of my recovery. I worked the steps, kept open to new experiences, and started the process of gaining clarity and accessing what was previously shut down within. I found a connection to the Creator and found His spirit moving through and throughout me. I started to move towards healing from within so that I might heal without.
My wife needed to do her own healing as well. Living for many years beside the twister of an alcoholic husband does its own damage. It fractures and weakens. Tears and breaks. As we started to heal, we started to talk. We talked honestly and openly for the first time. Gone were the layers of deceit and resentment. We were able to come together and have real heart-felt dialogues. Talks about what we wanted and where we saw ourselves. Unbeknownst to us, the process of coming together in a new and healthy way was starting to happen.
The ironic thing was that during this process, we were convinced at some level that we would not be back together. The betrayal my wife felt through my actions and secrecy took a heavy toll. The anger and hurt that my wife felt through my DUI and subsequent consequences was a burdensome cross. But somehow hope slipped through those cracks. And hope started to bloom and burst forth. Hope stemming from my step work and through our connection to the Creator and my wife’s gradual willingness to work through our issues. I started to see that spirituality and romance could co-exist. In fact, inventory work moved me to write my romantic ideal – how I saw my wife, how I would treat her, how I would honour my commitment to her.
Fast forward a few years now and we’ve continued to grow in our marriage. We’ve had another child since. We’ve learned to appreciate each other in new ways. I see in her now what attracted me to her in the first place. I have learned to practice spiritual principles in my relationship with her. I have learned to see things in a new light, to practice empathy and entertain her ideas and thoughts, rather than bulldozing through her like I used to. We have come together as a real partnership. We have never raised our voices once since we have come back together.
Our marriage is based on full honesty, devotion, patience, understanding and respect – things that I wasn’t able to give way back when. We have learned to walk hand-in-hand through the rough patches and to celebrate the fun times. We’ve been able to come to a maturity in our marriage that we only dreamed of before everything came crumbling down.
Coming back meant doing work, and continuing to work at it. But I have come to learn that it’s not just about coming back to an old marriage; it’s also about creating a new one. It’s a brand new marriage. And if that’s the case, we’re still newlyweds. And it feels like it.
My wife once told me, about a year into my recovery, something that I have never forgotten. While we were separated, she took a trip to see her friend in Florida. And while at the beach, she made a list in the sand of what she sought in a mate. Honest, spiritual, strong, open-minded, etc. And it was about six months into my recovery that she saw in me the very things she carved into the shore that day. That has shown me the power of what is possible in recovery.
That wedding picture now sits in our living room. A bit faded, a bit ragged at the edges, but there is still that bright light that shines from our eyes. Those eyes still shine bright today. But with the knowledge that we come from authentic places, and all pretence and pain dropped and washed away.
We celebrated nineteen years of marriage last month.
Brand new all over again.
Thanks for sharing this. It gives us (well me) at the beginning of recovery some hope. I have a lot of healing to do and a lot of bridges to build…. but my effort is all centred on reaching 100 days sober at the moment.
This is a great blog posting. I was about to leave my own comment when I read this comment by one day at a time. My first alcoholic thought was almost 100 days, I was right where you are over 15 years ago, one day at a time. My sencond thought was: man I wish I used that name before he did so I can have it. (one of my character defects is greed) . So my new friend(hopfully) One dayat a time even after all these years of going to the rooms, being active, sponsoring other people having different sponsors because sometimes they die or move to England. Keep up the good work 1.d.a.t. and concentrate on being there for yourself and your loved ones one day at a time. Just a thought that worked for me: my first 2 years I did 90 in 90 8 times. and after all these years I’m 62 days into another 90 in 90.
Peace.
Beautiful Paul 🙂
Congratulations you two crazy kids. Seems like only yesterday you hijacked grampa’s jalopy and dragged tied shoes and cans off to honeymoon in Niagra Falls. To see you now, 19 years later still going strong is beyond inspiring.
Beautiful piece, too. Reads uber clean and strong. Flows silky smooth.
So huge bravo on both. The anniversary. And the message it carries.
Love,
Marius
You are such a great writer! I love this. Happy anniversary!
This was absolutely beautiful, Paul. Congratulations on 19 years of marriage. Not too many people can accomplish such a love so you both are very lucky you found one another and worked together to grow and learn from each other.
First of all, I can relate to this on so many levels. During my worst years with alcohol abuse, I was an entity no one could reach… Not even myself. Sadly, the man who swept me off my feet and was my college sweetheart and then companion for 6 years suffered from my wrath. Our love was destroyed by my choices and addiction and I have not seen that person for over 4 years. He was a great love but I made the choice to leave because I couldn’t live with the decisions I made and how much I hurt him.
Fast forward to now, I’m with someone who I love very much and our relationship, too, almost withered away with my alcoholism. But this person showed me another world… a world without alcohol. And we have had to work a lot to get to where we are now. Key word…work. Sobriety is important for us alcoholics when it come to our relationships or marriage because it enables us to put forth the strength, work and dedication needed for us to grow with our companions.
I’m going to share this post with a friend of mine. I think this will help her a lot. LOVE IT.
Well done Paul, another heart warming and encouraging message. And congratulations on 19 years, my Queen and I ticked that off last October, so we’re not that far apart…a major milestone to be sure. Deepest respect, man. REDdog
Happy 19 years.
So glad you both took a second chance with other. When you find a good one, you do whatever it takes to keep them and you both did that!
Beautifully written, Paul. I could feel your emotions all the way through it. Congrats to you and your wife and you carry on what was meant to be. You 2 will obviously look great in a few years!
Beautiful, I hope you and your wife continue to grow together!
Who ever said there are no second chances was never an addict. What a fabulous love you and your wife have rekindled. This is a true testament to the strength and power of our spiritual sides and what CAN happen when we allow ourselves the right to change and to grow. Happy Anniversary!
I love this so much. Happy Anniversary.
This was so beautiful. What an incredible and inspiring redemption story. Your testimony gives me hope in lots of ways, Paul. I’ll just leave it at that.
Thanks for sharing with us what is possible.
19 years! wow! You are one lucky man to have such an amazing woman by your side.
You rock, Paul.
Share more of these with us! Loved it 🙂
Heartbreakingly romantic…truly! 19 years is wonderful, simply wonderful and I look forward to your photo 19 years hence, as I think it will be of two of the happiest newlyweds ever. 🙂
Happy Anniversary Paul, this is truly a message of hope!
How cool is the list in the sand story? Your story gives a lot of hope, Paul. Happy (belated) anniversary.
Oh Paul, I am sincerely touched. I could really sense your heart and commitment through this piece. I am so glad and encouraged by your ‘fighting for life and love’ spirit. Absolutely love it.
No humor in this one eh. I’m glad there wasn’t this time. I think you’re so funny and I thoroughly enjoy reading your other pieces where you weave humor into serious topics in your life. But this one wouldn’t have been the same with it.
I lost my dad to alcoholism so I know that it can be a deathly, degrading disease. It can totally rip a person apart, tearing everything of true value and worth. So glad that you beat it.
Blessings Paul=)
p.s. how old is your youngest?
Paul
You know, because of some medical issues, I’ve been chained to the house recently. So I’m on the computer and I stumble on a ‘sober’ blog by accident. So I look down in the comment section and notice if you click on the names of the commenters you get directed to their blogs. Opened up a whole new world to me. Reading blogs like yours is like going to a meeting and even seeing friends there. I don’t feel alone. I feel connected.
So I have read a lot and I mean a lot of sober-blogs where the writers aren’t so sober and are in a lot of pain. And if you read back in their entries, you see they have been in pain for along time, sometimes years. Its heartbreaking.
And then there are other blogs, where if you read back you can see the positive transformation taking place. It is in black and white. There is no denying it. Yours is one of those blogs.
Full honesty, devotion, patience, understanding and respect: Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being filled among us-sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we Work for them,
Any alcoholic can quit drinking. Staying stopped requires a transformation.
Thanks for your 12 step service bro.
And congrats on 19 years. She must be a saint. lol
Happy Anniversary, Paul. Congratulations to both of you for weathering the storms and rebuilding your life together. It is a lovely message of hope. Joyce
What a great post! i’m almost jealous, in the sense that my second marriage didn’t survive my sobriety as a lot of our relationship was built on the premise that i was a practicing alcoholic. Still, i have no regrets and i know that it’s for the best. Which does not prevent me from celebrating the newness you have found and continue to find! Awesome!
PS Love the cartoon from The Wall! One of my all time favorite movies.
Everything you write blows me away. Thank you for sharing, and congratulations on 19 years!
That was positively beautiful and heartfelt. I’ve been married 35 years and it’s had it’s ups and downs, so many phases. Now empty nesting, it’s like being newly married again back to being two. It’s amazing what our spouses go through with us. Congrats on 19 years and beyond.
Sharon
You’re the second blogger I’ve read lately who has been married 19 years! Me and my husband will celebrate our 19th next month too. Every marriage is different but if I had to name one thing that is key it’s to always give your partner permission and room to change. The moment we think we know everything there is to know about the other person is the moment growth is stifled. Beautiful celebration of love, Paul!
Congrats on 19 years! Here’s wishing you and your lovely wife another 19… one day at a time. Stories of marriages that survive and recover always touch my heart and bring tears to my eyes. Selfishly, sometimes the tears are because I mourn what could of have been. (Officially 21 years of marriage when the judge declared: “This marriage is dissolved.”). More often now, the tears are for the incredible hope and strength I see. It gives me hope and helps me believe, as my sponsor says, this is all about rebuilding relationships.
So very nice…and as always I love your sense of humour and hope.
Love, Mom
Date: Sun, 16 Feb 2014 19:32:06 +0000 To: rjsilva2@hotmail.com